Lasonovich's eloquent loudmouth links

@lasonovich

2011-02-14T16:24:00.002+11:00

Hmmm, so this blog doesn't get updated very often. I'll still add travel stuff up when it happens, but in the meantime catch me on @lasonovich, yay twitter.

Sans souci

2009-10-20T07:14:00.009+11:00

Without a care in the world, my rough translation of sans souci. And, without a care in the world is how we spent our last day in Berlin. Well I guess technically Potsdam is a separate city, but really the 45 mins on the train from the centre of Berlin doesn't feel that far away. Its strangely reminiscent of Versailles, in that there is some obscenely large palaces, amazing grounds, stunning rooms filled with gold leaf, and all the stuff classical monarchs used to keep themselves amused.

We walked, we talked, we drank coffee and all in all it was a great day away from the hustle and bustle of a big city. The sans souci palace itself is well worth a look around, and the grounds are amazing. 270 hectares or something like that filled with other palaces, follies, trees, moats, killer dragons and celebrities. Well maybe not all that stuff, but in some ways its better than Versailles. The park is free, there are less mad tourists (although that could've been the sub-arctic temperatures) and best of all there are reasonably priced coffee shops in the middle. Sweet, the town of Potsdam is not all bad either. Some great german food was had for a very reasonable price in the dutch quarter and the hispanic quarter was filled with tequila bars, oh yeah.

Here are some random photos of the vicinty!

Potsdam town

Ausstieg Links

2009-10-20T06:55:00.005+11:00

Aaah, the trains in Berlin constantly remind me of a windswept Scottish golf course with their cries of ausstieg links. Sure it might mean exit left, but in reality its saying head back to the links, you know you want to.

The weather decided to be reminiscent of scotland so our day spent wandering around the western part of the city was more cold, rainy and windswept then it should've been. Sure we did see a movie being made, and went to a flea market filled with thousands of door handles from the 70s but our adventures were curtailed by the icelandic breeze coming in off them thar hills. Soooo off to the pergamon museum for some amazing artifacts from the middle eastern world. Sure the germans may have borrowed a lot of the artifacts and some of the countries might want them back, but that's no different to any colonial power. The british museum is getting a lot of pressure to return its egyptian collection too.

The next day dawned with the prospect of a visit to the stasi headquarters. Not because we'd been taken in for questioning but to practice our german with the entirely german displays. Luckily Malte provided a good translation service so we could understand all about the briefcases with guns hidden in them, watches with microphones and rocks with hidden transmitters. But it wasn't just technology, there was a collection of historical propaganda and articles that proved very interesting indeed.

A quick stop at a very local Berlin pub for some fine wheat beers was the perfect end to a very interesting day. Oh yeah, we had coffee with Jamie Lee-Curtis in an exclusive berlin cafe too, well we sat near her, and subtly mocked her accent anyway. Plus we may have been in the background of the movie been shot eating some fine kebabs, so all in all a pretty successful day.

Berlin, home of the superdome and trabants!

2009-10-17T20:46:00.005+11:00

Yes, top of the Reichstag is a dome, and its a fancy glass dome made of mirrors and magic and dust. We queued for a couple of hours in the freezing cold before being allowed into the chamber. Comrades, what a view, Berlin stretches out below you like a schnitzel on a plate of sauerkraut. Plus it was free, which is always an added bonus when you are travelling on a budget. Nearby was the holocaust memorial which to my eye looked like thousands of coffins spread out across a field in a dull grey tone. It certainly made you think about the scale of the tragedy that had occurred.

Next we visited the wall, the real one, from the movies and the split of east and west. Encircling west berlin the remaining sections of the wall are few and far between as most was pulled down very quickly after reunification. The largest chunk is nearby to checkpoint charlie, where the american sector used to begin.

On our way around the wall there was a trabant for hire, then quickly we realised there was a whole yard full of trabants for hire! Their bonnets are made from resin, their engines make 20 bhp and they can do 6 hectares on a full tank of kerosene. Amazing little cars that were dolled out to the populace of the east for informing on other members of the community. Of course, I'm capitalist scum so was unable to fit very easily into a car clearly designed with comfort in mind (for midgets anyway).

We also took a tour of the checkpoint charlie museum, which is largely filled with amazing escape stories from east to west. People building their own planes, hiding in suitcases, cars, ships, canoes and all other kinds of transport. The museum appeared to have been largely undisturbed since the fall of the wall and seems to serve as a sort of interesting record of the events around the wall. Well worth a visit and the nearby Kruezburg district also provided some cheap beers and cocktails afterwards, sweet.

Berlin, home of the berliner (not a sausage)

2009-10-17T20:35:00.006+11:00

Sausages are available all over Berlin. Mostly bratwurst, or the local delicacy currywurst, which is bratwurst covered in curry and spicy sauce. They were pretty tasty, but in reality the best thing about Berlin was the beer. Mmmmmm wheat beer for only a few euros in every pub, it was the perfect partner for a breakfast, lunch or dinner.

So what kind of stuff happened while we were there. Well we met up with Malte, our fine german friend who had foolishly agreed to show us around the city. First day we headed into the Brandenburg gate which many people thought they would never walk through as it was in the forbidden area around the wall until 1989. We also wandered down the main drag to check out the collection of large museums and cool architecture that inhabited the eastern side of the city. As you head further east you begin to see some of the tower style blocks that dominated the eastern part of the city during the GDR days. Its almost like stepping back in time in places and although its only back to the 70s, its quite a strange feeling in a city that is so modern in many other ways. As we headed to Alexanderplatz we were distracted by some large supermarkets selling nothing but cans of sausages so we grabbed a few and enjoyed a fine tinned sausage. Also stacking the shelves were thousands of kilos of chocolate. The place is literally swimming in it, they don't call it the land of chocolate for nothing!

Now its England's turn - plus includes London feature

2009-08-24T01:20:00.009+10:00

How to review England, well bits of it that we've seen over the last few weeks anyway. Its like a whole other country from Scotland and also has a large banking crisis, kebab shops, pubs and claims to have invented haggis.

National gallery London

Its the big building behind Nelson's column. Often overlooked because too many people are out the front dancing in the fountains and harassing the staff at Lilywhites. Still an impressive collection of impressionism, really old art and paintings of giant horses awaited us inside. The cafe was pretty sweet though and a damned site tastier than the disappointing kebab on Edgware road the night before. Not as good as some, but still worth a gander. ***1/2 (3.5/5)

U2 Wembley 15 August 09

The giant claw was mighty impressive and the video screen inside moved and could unfold to become 8000 feet high. Plus the selection of songs was awesome, but the big let down for me was the crowd. Come on people, get with the program, you're at a concert not sitting about watching the sculling on the thames. So we were about 20 metres from the stage, standing at the front, but even then there was no craziness, just people standing around and clapping politely. Great music, but more action required. **** (4/5)

London Eye

Its really the millennium wheel, and they should've taken it down then. Nah, not really but its just a big ferris wheel. Plus its 17.50 quid a go, per person, per second. So its really, really expensive, first you queue a bit and then around you go. Great views, best done at dusk, and you really can see all of London. Houses of Parliament are especially amazing from the top. Considering walking up Eiffel Tower is 4 euro, it just ain't worth it. *** (3/5)

V&A museum

Its a huge museum filled mainly with artefacts including this amazing giant silver beer cooler which we took home for a fiver. Best bits included the jewellery collection, worst bits included nothing really. The whole place is amazing and filled with just heaps of stuff. Other museums take note, this is how it should be done. Plus the coffee was better than almost everywhere else. ***** (5/5)

Jamie Oliver's Fifteen Restaurant

I don't have a picture because I was too busy stuffing my face with the sublime food! Its like a dream menu made up of the greatest collection of interesting food stuffs all freshly prepared and at lunch time, not too much more expensive than many other places around. The collection of antipasti was unbelievable and the whole experience was intensely satisfying. I didn't like the decor, mish mash of modern and 70s chandeliers but overall pretty kick ass. ****1/2 (4.5/5)

The proms night 43, Ravel, Andriessen, Falla

The theatre is a sparkling mix of traditional decor and modern alien globes which are soon to hatch. The Ravel was stunning, the Andriessen a little weird and probably suitable for a b-grade horror movie and the Falla was like synchronised diving except in a theatre. All in all, a good night out, good value although I can't believe that people get the standing tickets for 2.5 hours on your feet at classical music. **** (4/5)

The lakes district and Keswick

Ha ha, fooled you, you thought it would all be London and fancy museums and restaurants, but no, a couple of weeks ago we were in England for the fun of the lakes district. Guess what its filled with lakes, quaint little villages, bad roads and terrible traffic. Cathedrals, coffee shops and cows also abound. Keswick is cool, with more stunning vistas, lots of waterfalls abound and it feels like a little holiday away from the real world. Carlisle isn't much of a town except for the cathedral and the seaside was pretty miserable when its pissing down. Worth a weekend away, but the scenery i better in Scotland. ***1/2 (3.5/5)

St Pauls

That's it, hiding away in amongst the blue neon and skyscrapers of the financial district. Its kick ass in a churchy kind of way. The 500 odd steps to the top are great, the inside is like a grand cathedral, which was exactly the way it should be. Its coming up on 400 years old and doesn't look at day over 200 and must've dominated the London skyline for so long that it become part of london. Well worth it, and probably better views than the eye! ***** (5/5)

Scotland reviews of anything and anywhere

2009-08-24T00:29:00.015+10:00

Ok first cab off the rank and these are in no particular order:

Edinburgh Castle

The #1 tourist attraction in Scotland in terms of visitors had a lot to live up to. Generally it felt kind of castly, with plenty of battlements, walls, cannons and stuff. Plus scottish crown jewels. Actually Stirling Castle is better and less busy so I dunno about this. Needs more swords and fake blood. ***1/2 (3.5/5)

Falkirk Wheel

Looks like a giant piece of machinery, which is exactly what it is. Boat rides are ridiculously expensive and not worth it, coffee was ok. Really not worth more than a five minute look, sure its a great engineering feat but not really exciting. Ok its smart, but not really a tourist attraction. ** (2/5)

Barrowland markets

The poor son of Camden markets, no let me correct that, the poor son of every single market in the whole world. Sure maybe it was the fact that half the shops were empty, that we were glassed three times within 5 minutes, or the fact that the tax free cigarettes didn't appeal to us but these markets were pretty damned crap. Don't go, unless you want to get stabbed. No stars (0/5)

Aberfeldy

Tiny town in the highlands with a small mill, number of pubs, golf course and stunning mountain scenery. A lot nicer than some of the other towns around as it wasn't filled with drunken teenagers looking for a fight. A relaxing way to spend a lazy afternoon. **** (4/5)

Dewar's world of whisky

Now a world of whisky better be filled with tonnes of whisky, and it better all be free. Well maybe not, but the world of whisky was filled with a cinema, a display of whisky and a whisky tour. The slightly surly staff who told us to rush through the display so we could go on the tour, but then made us wait 30 mins for the tour probably didn't help. Mmm whisky ***1/2 (3.5/5)

Castle Menzies

Some might say that not actually going into the castle means that I can't review it. Well dammit, I'm going to, looks like a castle, but is also a house. Plus this picture came out real weird. The five quid entry put us off, but as a castle house, it looks kind of castly. Nice from the outside, plus free blackberries in the grounds. **** (4/5)

Loch Tay

Yes, its just a lake, but nearby is a 5000 year old tree, and some incredible scenery. Its just like New Zealand but further, and also has sheep, pubs, cool windy roads for some nice driving action and stupendous views. Plus it was filled with celebrities, so its just like the French riveria except in Scotland and with no actual celebrities. Wow, scenery and shit. ***** (5/5)

Falls of Dochart

Surprisingly, there are falls all over this damned country. This one is just plain cool because its huge, not in terms of height but more in width, so like Anish but actually interesting. Plus loads of pubs to sit right on the falls, and no fancy safety barriers mean you can easily slip and fall on the rocks. Slippery but fun! **** (4/5)

Glen Alva

Hmmm, looking for a casual stroll up the Ochils, well look no further than Glen Alva. Its got a great walking track, filled with wildlife, rabid dogs and butterflies and some cool views over the local area. Plus another waterfall, in a cave, that you can climb into, neat. Could be tricky on anything but a sunny day though. ****1/2 (4.5/5)

Double rainbow

Yeah, take that again Scottish weather, it rains so much that you can get two rainbows. Well you know those guitars that are like double guitars, well it was just like that but in Rainbow format. You don't see that every day, plus I could see the end of the rainbow and went and claimed my pot of gold from the leprachaun. The top one needed more colour **** (4/5)

Largs

Largs is where they take all the midges from the rest of scotland, kill them and then reincarnate them as 10000000 more midges. And old people, and bad chip shops and some ocean. Plus its like an 80s throwback with a bad kiddies theme park, mini golf and nothing else. Seriously people if I retire anywhere in the world it'll never be Largs, its the place where souls go to die. No stars (0/5)

Reviews!!!

2009-08-24T00:01:00.003+10:00

Yo, peeps, after a couple of weeks without updates I'm back with some exciting reviews of things that we've been up to in the last few weeks.

First of all stuff from Edinburgh Fringe/Comedy/Jazz/Sport/Music/Theatre Festival.

Soweto Gospel Choir

Simply amazing voices and a really incredible show without any serious props. Deeply moving and filled with antics, songs, drumming and just outstanding music. All done with voices and banging stuff on tables. Incredible - ***** (5/5)

Adam Hills

A bit naughtier than his on tv comedy, he spent most of the time chatting to and paying out the audience. Amusing stuff, but in reality he probably only had about 15 minutes of material in the show. Still kept me laughing all night - **** (4/5)

Axis of Awesome

Oh yeah, the comedy music group was back for some exciting and hilarious musical comedy, 4 chord song was a huge highlight, production values were super low, but it just didn't matter. Simple comedy, simple fun and simply amazing ****1/2 (4.5/5)

Sword Swallower on Street

Yep, he swalled the sword but took about 15 minutes to do it. Big crowd had formed, but dunno if he really kept them that entertained. Still there's only a few people in the world who can do it. Sweet. *** (3/5)

Random magic guy on street

Yep, he made oranges appear out of nowhere, could produce golf balls from nowhere and his casual abrasive style was pretty good. Plus he made lots of jokes at the audience's expense so was pretty funny too. **** (4/5)

Guy with bed of nails (pictured)

Ok, so he got a fat guy to stand on a bed of nails that was on his chest. I think knowing the physics about beds of nails made it less impressive, but to be able to stand a super fat guy on you was mildly impressive. ***1/2 (3.5/5)

Go Ape in Scotland

2009-08-10T04:47:00.006+10:00

This is perhaps one of the worst photos of my brother seen, I mean the harness really doesn't do anyone any favours does it. Anyway, it didn't matter because we were about to go ape and trash some shite. Up in the hills near Aberfoyle is a fine place called go ape where you get to go round, climb stuff, jump into nets and eat copious amounts of bananas while scratching your balls.

First off is a 400m wire drop across some national park or something. Some people's landing tactic seemed to involve crashing into the ground and filling your pants up with tanbark for later scratching action. Still there were 6 stages around the course and the best were the last two. Course 5 is super high and involved some stirrup style footholds that were virtually impossible to get yourself over. Plus immediately after them were some extra sideways wobbling narrow planks, where Adam managed to fall off (into his harness) and cut up his hand good. Nice. Stage 6 involved climbing up a large tree and swinging across into a giant net which you then had to clamber out of to an even higher perch. 'Twas particularly amusing to see some locals teens having absolutely no upper body strength get stuck on the net and have to be helped up... Ha hahahha, losers.

Oh well, we made it that far and after a leisurely drive back to our chateau in the forest we spotted a supreme example of british motoring history. The three wheeled car done up in full racing colours kept me amused for hours!

Arrrgh, Scotland land of surprises and scenery

2009-08-10T04:30:00.007+10:00

So where better to start with a night time cruise around the streets of 'Burgh, well there was lots to see with Paul and Lisa including the botanic gardens home to a giant palm tree that will very soon break the roof. Well, they might need to extend the roof but they already did that a couple of times, so keep working at it trusty Scots. What followed, was some fine vegetarian food (yes, Scotland can do it occasionally) and a selection of late night pubs. One of which may or may not be missing a Groslch glass which is probably making itself much more useful at someone's house.

The next stop on the magical mystery tour is Dunfermline, home to a B grade football team, a collection of shops in a mall that are exactly the same as every other mall in the UK and an 11th century abbey. It was quite nifty and proved a fine afternoon out in some bog standard Scottish weather. The modern church only a few hundred years old, is pretty damned impressive and holds the remains of one Robert the Bruce, who appeared to be some type of king hero or something. All I know was that he had a giant sword and went around slaying Englishmen who accused him of drinking too much whisky.

Trying to remember all the names of the castles that we've visited has proved quite challenging and after a fine Dunfermline time, it was down to the coast to Aberdour castle and views out over the firth of forth to Edinburgh. Its another amazing castle and of course can be hired for weddings, parties, bah mitzvahs or whatever. Just tell em that Bruce sent you and they'll throw in an authentic Scottish recreation battle with cannons, knights, axes and laser weapons. Pretty sweet for $5.99 plus VAT.

So Scotland in summer is a surprising place, the best thing about it is the countryside, now I know people like Edinburgh for the castle and the bars and Glasgow for the knife fights and glasgow salads, but for me, escaping to the hills, mountains, castles, lochs etc, is far more exciting.

Cheese fest - Paris part 4

2009-07-15T06:35:00.007+10:00

I mean how many sights can one city have, 3 maybe. Well the final day involved a wander through the incredible Notre Dame. The hunchback was in residence and the bells kept tolling to remind us that he was down there somewhere taking over the opera house. Hang on, maybe that was some crazy play. Anyway, incredible place filled with people and amazing stained glass windows.

So what better to spend the time in Paris doing but eating Cheese! We gathered a quick selection of giant babybel (I thought they'd just be called bel but I guess I was wrong), soft cheese, pastrami, chocolate, 5 euro bread, chess pieces and grapes and had ourselves a snoozy picnic with all the locals in Jardin de luxembourg. A quieter afternoon spent in cafes drinking strong coffees and paying out the 45 year old ladies who look 75 because they smoke 18 packs a day and drink nothing but champagne.

We also found the Marais, but at this point after seeing the Bastille as well we were just completely blown away by the place. Well, there's always the next trip to France to sample the other 85,000 boulangeries in central paris.

My parting thoughts were of amazement, crazyiness, inequity and of cheese. The trains are bodgy and the city has some dodgy dodgy areas, but overall its the number one tourist city in the world for a reason, and its not the 8 euro beers!

I came, I versailles'd, I conquered - Paris part 3

2009-07-15T06:18:00.012+10:00

So birthday's at Versailles, home of the sun king and a giant collection of gold! Gold chairs, gold wallpaper, gold statues and a large collection of gold records for his recording work as a french harmonica player. We stopped at the way at some wacky markets where everything was a bargain and the food was amazing. Then we braved the french train system on a sunday only to find that there was track work. So we took the bus and after a long period of time and a small stop a little cafe for coffee and some fine facilities we arrived at the end of a very long queue.

Versailles feels like a theme park, the palace is just unbelievable, the hall of mirrors was filled with mirrors and tourists. The decoration in the place is just unbelievable. If I recommend anywhere in the world as a completely over the top to visit its Versailles. I can't even begin to describe what kind of life the French royals must have had at the height of their power, everything must of been provided on a golden platter, literally.

The gardens were in some ways even more incredible. You know, just build your own giant park with canals, immaculate planned hedges, mazes and all kinds of things. We wandered around and soon found Marie Antoinette's palace which is a nice pale pink colour marble for the ladies. ooooh, pretty, and less filled with tourists than the main palace. Off with her head indeed! If i'd been a peasant and had seen the miraculous world that the royals lived in I would have been calling for her head too!

Anyway, here are a few more random pictures from around the palace and grounds. Insanity.

Paris vs Super Nintendo - Part 2

2009-07-09T05:32:00.012+10:00

Sacre Coeur, eh. Well that was stop 1 on this fine 35 degree day in central Paris. A night of guzzling foie gras and dancing to frenchy euro trash music had left us with an appetite for croissants and churches. The churches began with the big one on the hill, and it was quite spectacular. The french priest inside told a homily in French that left me quite astounded and deeply moved, but I didn't really understand much of it except that he said Jesus occasionally, my french being largely learned off simpsons episodes and old episodes of allo allo. We climbed the few hundred steps to the top of the dome after paying the man for the privilege and felt enlivened by the view across Paris to the Eiffel Tower.

After wandering through Montmartre arguing like french artists over whether Monet or Manet was better than Corot, we headed into the depths of suburbia and the Arc of Triumph. I won't put a picture of it here, because you've all seen it, large arc shaped thing swarming with tourists. Instead here are some slightly more interesting pictures of some of the vans that are littered around Paris covered in graffiti. They are some of the most interesting street art I've seen for a while and it says something about the French mentality that this kind of art is allowed, and potentially even encouraged. I dunno what it says, but its gotta say something right.

Sure, we could've hung around looking at vans but a stroll down the Champs Elysees was on the cards. Actually the whole street isn't for me, its just a huge tourist jam. Yeah the old guy breakdancing was kind of fun (Dance Papy Dance read his t-shirt) and the displays of futuristic cars were exciting but I mean it just didn't feel like Paris. A stop at a patisserie / boulangerie was in order for some espressos and ridiculously good pastries and then onwards. Via the Hotel De Invalides which is a hotel reserved exclusively for invalids who like gold domes we headed towards le tour eiffel.

Sure its just a tower, and yeah they were going to rip it down after the expo that they built it for, but in the end they decided to hang onto it. The climb up the steps was exhausting as we had already trudged hundreds of miles through the snow to get there. Plus the Michael Jackson tribute concert out the front was in full swing and out the other direction a collection of french dwarves was protesting for peace to the gypsies (my interpretation of their french) but dammit the view was worth it.

We were completely stuffed at this point and it was approaching the end of our 46 mile walk so we walked the remaining hour and a half back to the hotel via the local french take away (whole chickens, lamb shanks, gourmet sausages and fresh made potato balls) and a french cafe for a wine and somme dinner. Get it, hey.

Paris in summer - Part 1

2009-07-09T04:53:00.007+10:00

So why visit Paris in the summer? All the locals have left, its hot, its stuffy and the streets smell faintly of urine. All this may be true but its also amazing and filled with sensational buildings, unbelievable food, cheese, wine, frenchies, dirty trains and all kinds of madness.

First of all, we had to get there, thank you Mr. Easyjet for the two aborted landings at Charles De Gaulle. Meanwhile half the plane was shitting themselves because we were about 50 metres off the ground when the pilot decided to pull out. Still, it didn't matter despite the fact that we ended up at the wrong airport!

Anyway, where to begin, with a wander through the streets and into some of the crazy shops. First impressions were that there was just something to do or see on nearly every street, cafes brushed shoulders with historic monuments that leaned slowly against drunken french bums playing accordians.

Of course where else could we go but the Musee D'Orsay! Some might suggest that the louvre might have been a better option, but no the queues put us off and the fact that the collection of impressionist work was infinitely superior at D'Orsay. It also proved a good opportunity to walk around subtly mocking the accents of some of New Zealand tourists who were visiting the gallery. We also found the clothes amusing of the old guys wearing stockings quite entertaining but most of all we found the pictures exciting.

Next stop, some garden outside for a little snooze. Those of us who are nearing middle age decided that a little sleep on the tiny little chairs in the park was the perfect thing to do after a day of galleries. Fortunately for some of us the galleries were not over, unfortunately for me the galleries that were left were the galleries lafeyette. It was just shops and it was sale time so you could barely move. Oooh, boy was I gipped, like seriously shops in Paris, who would've thunk it. Still the building was pretty cool and a lot more interesting than Woden plaza on a Saturday morning when the place is filled with booners.

Last stop for the evening was off to the crazy world of some bizarre restaurant where we were the only customers escaping from the heat to drink Kir and eat paella. Well, that was meant to be the last stop but we realised that Moulin Rouge was just around the corner so we had to go catch a few shows. We were too tired for the shows, but the red light district was just kicking off - party time.

St Andrews, home of the patron saint of golf

2009-07-01T04:20:00.013+10:00

As I write this its been a bit over a week since the olde visit to the east coast of sunny scotland. We started at Anstruther, famous for its fish bar, where you can get into a real fight with a halibut over a spilt prawn cocktail. Nah, its a helluva place filled with chip shops and nice views out over the tiny jetty.

So we headed to the famous Anstruther fish bar, winner of best fish and chips in the UK a couple of times. First problem, they wouldn't do salad take away for K, well that's just plain ridiculous, make the salad and put it in a box to take away. How hard could it be. So the fish supper (fish and chips) was good but not great, if this is what Britain has to offer as the best version of their national dish then I'm sorely disappointed. Sure it was better than your average pub version but it wasn't earth shattering. Still our car enjoyed the ride and the excitement of a partially clear day in Scotland.

Next stop St Andrews, home to some amazing ruins, some type of golf course and a uni where prince william spent most of his time getting drunk and trying his luck with the local neddys.

If you cannae understand wae a
neddy is then yar need to yar hed examined.

In fact, St Andrews is a nifty kind of touristy town, the ruins of the old cathedral are stunning, with or without an icecream and the local castle looked very castley. The old town streets were fun for a bit of a wander, and because the weather was good every man and his dog was out getting drunk and eating ice cream. Fun! Of course no visit to St Andrews is complete without trawling through the thousands of antique stores, not....

No visit to St. Andrews is complete without a visit to the home of golf. It was a mild day so I hit 65 off the stick on the old course, not a bad achievement considering I haven't touched a club much in the last couple of weeks. Actually they wouldn't let me on the old course because I didn't have enough starch in my shirt and my salary was not measured in weight. Still, its a cool course and I can see why it would be damned hard when the wind gets up.

Islands in the sun

2009-06-21T23:29:00.007+10:00

So another fine scottish day greeted us with plenty of misty rain, but not to be outdone we decided to head to a lake. No, not a loch, a lake, the only one in Scotland, the Lake of Menteith. A short boat ride out to the island found us at Inchmahome Priory. Home to the Augustinian canons. Dammit the canons were really people and they didn't fire them into the lake at travelling band of minstrels. There was a castle on the next island too, but we weren't allowed to visit because the owners decreed it to be so. Still the island must've been a super boring for most of the year and they were only allowed a fire in one room and that's really not that good when the lake freezes over for a couple of months / year.

After some bucketing rain in Aberfoyle which we craftily managed to avoid by eating a giant lunch we went ape. Well, not really because there was a giant queue due to the lightning storm and the guy wasn't so sure whether he could get us on in that afternoon. Bastards, surely it rains every day here so they've gotta have some kind of contingency plan for when it rains. Anyway, that left us free to wander around Queen Elizabeth Forest park in the Trossachs without any kind of direction. Sure we had a map and every single trail through the whole forest was carefully marked, but we could've got lost and had to be rescued by some Scottish Terriers. Luckily the terriers weren't required and we found another castle ruined on the world's smallest island. Literally 5 metres long and about a metre wide, I mean seriously what a giant waste of time. Just look at it people, sure its amazing but there's only a tiny pile of rubble left. Obviously the castle didn't protect the owner from the ravages of time, mu ahhahhahhaha. We also spent a while trying to find Rob Roy's cave, where he hid out from the pirates that were besieging the loch from all sides.

We never found the cave, just a bunch of holes in the ground that didn't appear to lead anywhere. We did find some fake squirrels suspended from the trees in what appears to be a recreation of a battle from starwars where the ewoks take on the stormtroopers. Why its in the middle of a national park in Scotland remains a mystery but I guess that's the magic of the heilans. After such thrills we took a quick look at Loch Katrine, which proved as stunning as the other 15 lochs we'd already seen that day. Then it bucketed down, so it was home and out for a celebratory fine italian dinner followed by some Caol Ila (thanks Jeremy). This is the smokiest whisky I've found yet, intensely strong smoky flavours with a light golden colour. This is definitely one for a cold Scottish evening!

Visitors from the colonies

2009-06-18T05:47:00.006+10:00

The recent weekend saw a visit from some colonial Australians. Despite some difficulties understanding their accents it was good to catch up with Jeremy and Sarah again. First stop Wallace Monument and Stirling Bridge. After climbing the 250 odd steps to the top of the monument we had a nifty view of the area directly beneath the monument and the Ochils! Arrch, Ochils so close. They are coming to get us soon. We also got a good view of the local pubs in the area and planned out a route taking in some of the finest local drinking establishments.

This included cat-pub not to be confused with cat face who has a big cat face. He also floats around the town. Well after some beverages we went for some pubbish food and Jeremy tried his first haggis, which proved a reasonably large hit although he was disappointed that he couldn't have the bad boy burger.

The next day dawned at around 1am, well it feels like that at the moment up here, sun goes down around 11pm and it seems to be permanently light. Of course, that doesn't bode well for winter but at least we'll have whisky and haggis to keep us company. We headed back to Stirling castle for a 21 gun salute for the queen's birthday. Now the territorial army could only manage 18 shots because the gun jammed or something. They had two more guns still in perfect working order but called it off right then. Cheapskates.

Afterwards it was the Falkirk wheel, which is a giant ship moving thing that basically raises barges about 70 metres from one canal to another in only a few minutes. Sure, its an impressive engineering feat but really not that exciting as a tourist destination. Oh well, live and learn about the wonders of Scotland, the natural world appears far more interesting than recent engineering feats.

Castles and more castles

2009-06-18T05:28:00.006+10:00

Stirling castle has been the scene of many a famous battle, jacobite revolution, musket battle and light sabre fight but why? Well the answer lies in its unique geographic position, nestled on a high hill on a river that traverses the country with solid ground and gentle hills all around. Basically its the only sensible place in historic kinds of times where you could get to northern Scotland. So there was a bridge here and due to some poor tactics on behalf of the English, a bunch of them were massacred by the Scots and William Wallace.

Meanwhile elsewhere in Scotland we took a tour to Balloch and Loch Lomond. Yeah its a large lake filled with fish, drunken scotsmen and boat tours. Still its worth a look and around the forest park nearby is another castle. This one is closed to the public but is actually pretty well preserved. The park was also filled with lots of people using portable bbqs, no, not as we know them but basically little steel grills filled with coals that you buy pre-made from the supermarket and fire up in the park. Meanwhile no one remembers that they might actually burn the grass, table, seat or whatever else they are sitting on. Pure genius I say.

I'm not entirely sure of what to make of this photo, its clearly a normal scottish street scene.
1. Because its raining
2. There's a learner driver in the distance, they are everywhere.
3. There's some local running because he's just made off with some stuff from the local 'offie'

Ah well, its amusing nonetheless.

Sunny Edinburgh

2009-06-03T05:26:00.006+10:00

Hah, proved wrong at last Mr Negative Scotland weather. We've now had 6 days in a row of good weather including a trip to Edinburgh for some sightseeing and encounters with chip shop owners. First point of call was the gallery for the slightly disappointing Turner exhibition. I mean it was just a bunch of guys turning handles and had nothing to do with the famous painter at all. What a let down! Well actually it was all about Turner in italy, which was sort of interesting but not the most exciting of his works in my humble opinion.

Meanwhile outside, every person in Edinburgh was getting their yearly vitamin D intake by sitting in the park. Which we attempted to do after Mr Chip Shop lunch. Kathleen had rightly ordered a vegie burger which we were assured contained 'vegatables love'. Little to our knowledge it did not contain a bun or salad or anything else except a deep fried vegie patty and some soggy chips. 'What do you expect love, its just a chip shop' was the defence used by the large Scottish gentleman when queried about his 'burger'. Oh well next time we'll ensure the burger is more than just a pattie. The afternoon's entertainment involved bagpipes and a walk up to Arthur's seat. The bagpipes were being played on the royal mile (as usual) and the walk up to Arthur's seat provided spectacular views of the area directly beneath the hill and of the castle and main town. Kathleen's thongs probably weren't the greatest footwear for the occasion but once at the top it was so worth it. A few beers and dinner in the city followed to round of the best weekend of Scottish weather since 1243 when MacArrrrrgh defeated MacAayye at the battle of Loch Haggis.

The battle of Glencoe vs Fort William - part 3

2009-06-03T05:10:00.006+10:00

The final day dawned bright and clear. Well not really, this is Scotland, so it dawned cold and rainy. First stop in the morning was Dunstaffnage Castle, home of the MacDougall clan and site of a castle since the early 13th century. Of course the castle had an abbey attached that had been ruined by the ravages of time and the Scottish weather. Still it was quite an impressive building and could easily have housed a collection of armed men for a period of weeks living off the local grass and the well.

There really is a lot of castles around, I don't think anyone is that surprised, but come on were the Scots always at war? Maybe, I dunno, I just work here.

Anyway, next stop was a stop at Oban for a tour of the whisky distillery. Well that was my plan anyway, but I was let down by a lack of booking. Can't I just show up and go on the damned tour, it appears not. So instead we wandered around searching for another distillery to ease our thirst. But this being Scotland the next place was at least 5 miles away so we were forced to stroll around in the sub-arctic temperatures and cold rain. Sure the town was scenic and maybe the sea fog was amusing but I think we'll be back to Oban for a more thorough viewing next time around.

The battle of Glencoe vs Fort William - part 2

2009-05-29T06:54:00.008+10:00

The morning dawned cold and clear with snow topped Ben Nevis visible just out the window of the B&B. The perfect morning for a full Scottish breakfast. Sausages, bacon, eggs, black pudding, potato bread, mushrooms, tomato, whisky and a healthy dose of added salt for good measure. First stop on the morning's adventures was Neptune's stairs. Its 8 locks all in a row, and ships go up and down in all the time. Yay! What a magical adventure, meanwhile my ass was frozen because of the damned cold wind blowing off snowy Ben Nevis.

So where else to warm up but the local castle, which unfortunately had been sacked long ago by the romans or so it would appear. Castle #786268 was a slightly dour affair, mid-thirteenth century with 4 sturdy walls, a moat and some very advanced towers for such an early castle.

After the castle the real fun began with some hill walking. Being such novices we decided to leave Ben Nevis next time and head for the wonderful waterfall far beyond the depths of time. Well at good 45 minute walk over a rough ramshackle path filled with water, rocks and killer slugs. Man, this was some awesome hills, the path was filled with enough jagged rocks, crevices and streams to keep you on your toes while the waterfall at the end was great. The only problem was that there was a constant stream of people because the sun had briefly appeared in the morning so everyone had gone walking. The slug became my new best friend as he was so glisteny and bout 4 times the size of your standard slug. He was a trusty fellow and kept me happy while I trod the path down the hill back into the normal scottish weather.

The battle of Glencoe vs Fort William - part 1

2009-05-29T06:33:00.007+10:00

So the weekend's adventure involved hiring a car, driving halfway across the country (about a 30 minute drive) and finding out what some real Scottish scenery looked like. First stop on the magical mystery tour was a collection of antiques. So really it was a bunch of old ladies stuff that was collected in a big shed and sold on the cheap to fund the production of more lace doilies. Pretty nifty, but not really my cup of tea, too Earl Grey for my preferences I prefer a more alcoholic tea with beer and haggis.

Then it was the next stop 5 minutes down the road, Loch Loch McLoch. Yes we really stopped at a number of lochs, but in reality they are just lakes with lots of crystal clear water and staggering mountain views. Sure, there was a pub lunch in between and a stop at some random Scottish garden where the locals gave us tea and cake and showed us their vegie patch. But then, enough was enough, we fired up the Vauxhall Corsa, and headed deep into the mountains, where trolls come from and the whole place looks like it should be in Lord of the Rings. . The long straight drive through the hills past some fine mountains down to Glencoe is just stunning. At one end if Rob Roys grave (kind of anyway) and at the other end is some place where lots of Scotsmen died because they like MacDonalds, or were named MacDonalds and didn't seem quick enough to pledge their allegiance to the new king of burgers, the whopper extreme, AKA Mary II and William II. At least that's my understanding of the history, other interpretations may vary.

You may notice that the Scottish weather was being particularly cooperative, and of course we decided in traditional Scottish fashion that the best thing to do was wander off into the hills without a map or compass to find a leprechaun. Well we didn't find our leprechaun, but we did get a little damp and see some more cool mountains. Soon our walk had exhausted us and we headed to Fort William for protection from the local liege lord. Turns out someone had sacked the fort quite a few hundred years ago and instead we had to head to the local Tandoori restaurant for some overpriced pappadams.

Edinburgh, its not said how its spelt

2009-05-29T04:54:00.007+10:00

So I've been to Edinburgh quite a few times over the last few weeks for sightseeing, work and a variety of other dastardly deeds. It intrigues me because its so old and cranky with a really strange design whereby all invaders are directed through narrow streets into the forefront of the castle so they can be shot with bows and arrows.

This of course caused me no problems as my germ warfare tactics avoided all the narrow alleys by being delivered by aeroplanes directly from the Belgian Congo (Mexico). So really what's it like, amazing geography, cool bars and a nifty history make Edinburgh a fun day. There is the new parliament house which was meant to cost 30 million but ended up costing 200 million odd pounds. So it was kind of impressive but a lot people don't like it because its too modern and doesn't fit in with the Scottish heritage of everything being a pub. Just nearby is holyrood house and there's a sense that everything is in walking distance from the centre of town.

The new town (only a couple of hundred years old) offers a welcome diversion from the old town (quite a few centuries old) and just nearby is the seaside at Leith, which from my understanding is mainly filled with warehouses, druggies and expensive restaurants. The old town has the castle and a selection of churches and whisky bars the likes of which you'll struggle to find anywhere else. The whisky experience tour was fun, but probably not quite worth the 11 quid entry fee although you do get a whisky shot and a glass to take away. So now that I know that its all there, I'll be back for more summer festivals, music and all kinds of crazy stuff that can only be had on the far side of the world. My invading army has been slowly spreading across the city and soon the whole place will be mine to run amock with down the royal mile while dancing a jig to the bagpipes in the centre of town. Currently bagpipes in full volume are banned in central Edinburgh because they were too loud and annoying. I'll soon be changing that!!!

Haggis McHaggis

2009-05-22T07:08:00.004+10:00

Aaah Haggis, so far in Scotland I've been able to sample Haggis in three different varieties! They are haggis pizza, chicken stuffed with haggis and just plain old haggis. I have to say the texture of haggis is a little like cheap mince mixed up with finely ground oats. Still it actually tastes pretty good. Sort of like a salty mushy mince. Not too bad at all.

The haggis pizza was surprisingly tasty, liberally dusted with cheese and haggis it was pretty damned good. Of course it may have been the 18 beers that I'd already had.

The haggis on its own was served traditional style with neeps and taters (turnips and potatoes, both mashed) and a creamy sauce. All in all a satisfying meal especially when washed down with a local ale.

The chicken stuffed with haggis put the haggis to good use, taking the time to carefully wrap the haggis in the chicken to protect it from the cold weather. The whisky sauce wasn't too bad either.

Of course with all the haggis options around I'll have to continue sampling them to find the perfect haggis. Bon appetit!

Stirling, what a sterling place

2009-05-17T18:38:00.004+10:00

Well, that was definitely the worst pun in the history of the universe. So, what about Stirling. First of all the old castle is perched on the hill above the old town which is filled with old cobblestone streets and pubs. The town itself is somewhere in the vicinity of 50,000 people. It depends on which of the tiny little villages nearby you include. Some of them are definitely attached and some are not. Glasgow is 30 mins away on the express train, but Edinburgh is closer to 50 mins, because of the lack of express trains!

Off to one side of the city is the wallace monument, which dominates the skyline from all directions. From there is a view of all the famous battles that took place all over the place. William Wallace, Robert the Bruce, the cold war, all took place right here in this wee sleepy village. There's lots of stuff around of historical significance, including cannons, bridges from the 1500s and a collection of jails, old houses and stuff to rival the rest of Europe. Plus as an added bonus, rent is a bit cheaper than Glasgow!

Scotland - home of the heilan coo

2009-05-12T05:14:00.005+10:00

After weeks of searching, I found Scotland. Plus it was exactly where I'd left it, somewhere north of England and roughly in line with the Arctic circle, at least according to the weather. No, its a vicious lie. The weather was at least Scandinavian, not quite arctic. So where to, well first stop was Glasgow, which is filled with heroin addicts and glassings (at least according to 1970s history). Once again it wasn't true, I was only glassed twice in my first morning and it was more of a friendly welcome than anything else. Plus the heroin was nowhere near as obvious as people claimed. So what was memorable about Glasgow, well to begin with it was filled with some classic buildings, the university is amazing, the cathedral is gothic to the extreme and the children's playgrounds still contain potentially damaging equipment.

Adam and I began with a tour of the sights of central glasgow, which included a fine fish pie and a very reputable establishment and a warming local beer. We wandered around the glasgow green and basically walked around the east end of the city, trying to determine if there was anywhere exciting to live. What struck me first of all was how compact the place is. You can easily walk around most of the city, west end east end, all within about 40 minutes walk. A lot of the museums and cultural attractions are not too far away at all. The university, pictured above, is a masterpiece of unfinished architecture. The spire was never meant to be hollow, they ran out of cash half way through and soon came up with a new design to save cash.

Nearby is Ashton lane, where there are some hidden away little shops and bars that benefit from the local drunken uni student crowd. The beer selection is monumental and the prices are only slightly more than your local beer and bothy.

UK at last - London

2009-05-06T04:03:00.007+10:00

London, its like a big theme park with lots of free rides, cool sights and strange guys. A few days in the British capital with some friends was going to be a fun time! After the usual rigmarole of customs, cavity searches and duty free boxes of cuban cigars it was time to head over to Clapham. A quiet evening in with Paul and Lisa watching the champions league (4-4 my ass Chelsea and Liverpool) was the perfect start to a few days.

The next day involved the hassle of setting up a UK bank account and determining how many cornish pasty's to eat from the shops. Plus I had to find some chavs and determine why Chicken Tikka was actually England's national dish. The answer to that is that supposedly it was invented in the UK by a chef who was meant to be making curry but didn't have all the right ingredients so added some tomato and a few other things and bam, Chicken Tikka was born. Now sold approximately every 5 metres on the streets of the UK. After that it was time for some sight seeing, now for a change of pace I headed to the Churchill Museum and War Rooms.
Now see here, that's a real enigma machine, so don't worry we've got the code cracked and can determine where the next U-Boat attack is coming from. The war rooms have been largely untouched since the end of the war and are in ship shape condition for determining which convoy is the next to be sunk.

The Churchill museum which is attached to the war rooms is a look at one of the most loved (and hated) modern leaders. Its one of the most technologically advanced museums I've seen. This huge table is a history of Churchill's whole life and you can go around and select individual days to determine what he was up to. No, not what he had for dinner, but what monumental events he was involved in at that point. Anyway, I thought it was nifty and if you don't like it you can go to hell.

The evening was spent in a drunken state with Paul who ventured out with me on a pub-crawl of clapham. Now, this was an onerous undertaking helped by the a few fine single malts, the worst kebab in the history of the universe, a fine cuban cigar and a very late night. Suffice to say that the next day was spent largely sleeping and then catching up with some high quality wii gaming. BTW, the control system for PES2009 kicks ass. You can drag players around the field with the wii mote while moving another player, while scoring a bullshit bicycle goal. Classy.

Unfortunately my time in London was over all too soon, and it was off to Glasgow for the first part of my scottish adventure, aye.

Beijing - Part 2

2009-05-04T06:29:00.009+10:00

The forbidden palace was next on my list of must see in Beijing and it didn't let me down. It was forbidden to enter, closed due to an extensive Chinese fireworks display that went all wrong when Mr Choi threw his cuban in the rubbish. Seriously though, this place has been burnt down about 15 times and then rebuilt all over again. What blew me away was the scale of the place, I mean it really is a city. I spent the first hour wandering around with a map, which was actually pretty good because I got away from the main tourist trails and found some cool little palaces and things that most guided tours never see. There are also a bunch of museums with all kinds of artefacts, jewellery, pots, and stuff from the last 4000 years on display. The gardens are also cool and when I eventually bothered getting a map I realised just how huge this thing is. You could easily spend days figuring our everything in the whole city. There are certain places where you have to fight the tourists to see anything and other places where its so empty you feel like you could be the emperor.

But, time waits for no man so I was off to the temple of heaven. Now this is supposedly where the emperor went to pray before the important harvest ceremonies and so forth. Then at the temple, they complete the ceremony, sacrificed the goat and all got smashed. One of the more interesting parts of the complex is this part where groups of people gather and perform a variety of local Chinese cultural things. There were people dancing, singing (very well) old chinese songs, and participating in a wide variety of other wholesome activities. Plus they also hassled tourists to buy stuff, but that's only to be expected.

So what could possibly top a fireworks explosion at the imperial palace, well not much actually. My last day in china was spent at the summer palace, used as a resting place on those hot summer days when the forbidden city was too rat filled to be fun. Largely destroyed at least 15 times, and most significantly during the opium wars, the summer palace is where emperors and empresses went to let their hair down. The complex includes a theatre with three different stages on top of each other where three different plays would run at once. That way the emperor wouldn't get bored and could pick and choose what to watch at any given moment. Part of my final day was the opportunity to blow a few hundred yaun on some exciting food. This fine dish showed a remarkable amount of restraint by containing 50% chilli, 30% garlic, 15% peppercorns and 5% chicken and assorted vegetables. It was quite tasty, but I think my mouth had gone numb after the first mouthful. Washing the chilli down with a walk around the lake, I soon stumbled upon a marble boat, that appears to float, but obviously doesn't and the longest painted corridor in the world. Yes, its long and its painted.

The end of my brief tour was a quick stop at the chilli farm for some more chillies. No, not really it was to the top of the summer palace for a view back across the lake towards Beijing. You may have gathered that I was more positive about Beijing than Shanghai. I dunno whether it was just the olympics or what but I definitely preferred the vibe of Beijing. The monuments are a bit more impressive and overall it just felt like my kinda town.

So that was it for my whistlestop tour of mainland China. All I had left was my dignity, a fake watch, some cheap ties and a sense that all was not necessarily well in the world. But that might've just been the chilli.

Beijing - Part 1

2009-05-04T05:49:00.007+10:00

Aah, Beijing. After Shanghai it felt like a small country town. Going to the wrong airport in Shanghai didn't help the situation either! Beijing, 15 million chinese and a bucket load of pollution. So where to begin, a trip to the local street markets for some high quality delicacies that's where. Actually these markets are right in the centre of town and are basically put there for tourists, still its interesting enough to wander around and look at the fried silkworms for sale. My first impressions of Beijing were that it was cleaner and much more organised than Shanghai, I think it was the Olympics last year that basically meant the whole city got its act into gear. I especially liked one Chinese ladies jeans which were inscribed across the back with the phrase "Working for a better Chinese Olympics". That seemed to be the motto of the place, even though the olympics are long gone and they are selling the apartments off.

The evening involved a trip to the most famous Peking (Beijing) duck restaurant in town. Now I was suffering from a cold but I was still able to chow down on half a duck with pancakes and dipping sauce. A real speciality and damned tasty, plus the restaurant that it is in is just bizarre. Everything is red and gold and it feels like a huge hall.
On the floor below was a selection of high quality jade merchandise to keep the most ardent jade fans happy. In fact it was such a ridiculous collection that it boggles the mind.

Day 2 in Beijing was a tour, now I'm not a big fan of organised tours, but they are the easiest and cheapest way to get to the wall. Well, the wall via the jade shop that the your guide's cousin runs. We did get to see how they carve jade, yes it is just stone and they carve it up using machines. Wow, what a revelation. Well anyway, after that detour it was off to the Badaling section of the wall. There are 5 sections of the wall that are open near Beijing and Badaling is the most popular. With some obvious reasons, stretching out for ages in all directions the scenery is just stunning. Well it would be if it wasn't all covered in pollution. I especially liked the fact that there are about 300,000 tourists a day to the great wall around Beijing, but only about 10 of them could be stuffed actually walking to the end. It was just ridiculous, 100,000 people and most of them didn't walk more than the first 300 metres. Yes, its steep, but goddam it, get off your lazy ass people and make it to the end! Well, not really the end, but after a while the wall hasn't been repaired and you can progress no further. After that it was off for a large lunch and probably the funniest moment of the chinese tour. We were sitting down to our traditional Beijing banquet with 8000 dishes and the guide comes up and goes "Are you happy? You must eat a lot to fill your large capitalist stomachs". Pure gold, I still can't quite believe that she said it. The lunch did come with free chinese rice spirit, which was about 65% alcohol and tasted like nail polish remover.

The afternoon was a trip to the Ming tombs, where one of the Ming emperors is buried. Seriously though, its a little disappointing. Sure its old, but there isn't really anything to see in the tomb, and for one of the highlights of Beijing I don't rate it at all. Its just basically a big hole in the ground, yes its interesting how they found it when the location of the tombs was secret and they dug a number of holes before finding anything interest. Anyway, if you want tombs, head to the pyramids or elsewhere because Ming doesn't quite cut it for me. After such a long day what better way to relax than a foot massage with Chinese medicine diagnosis thrown in for free. I passed on the diagnosis as I already know I'm dying from chronic eczema but Ingrid gave it a shot and found out that she was healthy and should spend $140/month on some pills to keep herself that way.

Shanghai - part 4

2009-04-29T05:57:00.007+10:00

Back in Shanghai for a final couple of days involved some relaxed sight seeing around the city and a maddingly annoying trip to the fake markets. You cannot believe how much these people hassle you when all you really want to do is buy a watch. In the end we were weighed down with fake rolexes and gucci watches, but it kept us amused.

Some highlights of the last couple of days included a trip to the Shanghai Aquarium, much better than expected. The penguins were a little sad, but the overall experience wasn't actually too bad. They showed us how pearls are harvested from oysters and we all got a free pearl extra fresh.

We then visited the highest hotel in the world. Well supposedly anyway, where the hotel begins on the 57th floor of one of the extremely large towers in Pudong side of Shanghai and rises to approximately the 97th floor or something. Its only 1 of 5 hyatt's n Shanghai and this picture looks bizarrely like some sci-fi meeting room for thousands of crazy dudes. It was pretty cool, and the bad at the top has the same view as the observation deck and you don't have to pay $20 to get in, you just have to have a $20 cocktail instead!

So in summary, Shanghai is a city of contrasts, filled on one hand with 5 star hotels and towering office buildings, it is also a scene of abject poverty and terrible living conditions for many of the local people. The pollution can just be mind boggling but on a clear day with a few dollars in your pocket you can have a great time, 10c beers, $2 lunches, and $100 custom made suits are just some of the joys to be found. On the other hand the constant spitting on the streets and blatant rip off attempts can get you down. Its not an unsafe place by any stretch but you need to keep your wits about you! And look at this pollution, its just insane, people who say that global warming is a myth and that humans aren't interfering with the planet need to visit Shanghai!

Huangzhou

2009-04-24T03:40:00.005+10:00

A day trip to Huangzhou had been organised for a bunch of us from Shanghai (thanks again Case and Ben). After 3 an a half hours on the bus without a rest stop (thank you Mr. Bus driver) we were all keen to use the facilities. Well use the facilities, and check out some of the sights. Huangzhou is a small tourist town of around 6-7 million people. The main tourist part of the city is centred around west-lake and we were off to see some the Lingyin temples. This is part of a series of temples, built originally a long time ago, burnt down, built again, burnt down and eventually build most recently in around the late 19th century. The Lingyin temples wind their way up a hill, its still a practising monastery so the odd monk could be seen but they were hard to spot in amongst the 8 million tourists.

Huangzhou felt like a breath of fresh air after the pollution that had been Shanghai, there was sunlight and you could make out things in the distance! Next we fought our way to the pagoda. The lake in front of the pagoda was filled with thousands of turtles, literally. The lake was only about 20 metres across so I don't know how they all survived. I guess the tourists keep them well fed and the restaurants cook them up in the evenings. Avoiding the need to use the escalators and the lift, we walked our way to the top of the tower and enjoyed the views of the area directly beneath the tower.

Further time spent later in the day wandering around the lake was spent eating ice-cream and trying to get chinese ladies to dance. Well that was the aim of certain members of the party, but not necessarily enthusiastically embraced by all. The bus ride back at least involved a roadside pitstop. The gentlemen headed to the front of the bus in the glaring lights to prove their manhood. The ladies took the demure option of squatting in the grass near the bus, it'd been a fun day. The chinese had taken the approach that we were much more of a tourist attraction than the sites of the town and we'll be forever remembered in about 10,000 photos taken both surreptitiously and openly by the local population.

Shanghai - part 3

2009-04-24T03:23:00.006+10:00

Of course the real reason we were in Shanghai was not just for our own amusement. There was a wedding to attend, Kathleen to be a beautiful maid of honour and me to attempt to record some videography. Casey and Ben's ceremony was wonderful, and the photos afterwards on the streets of Shanghai were exciting and interesting. The reception was held at the fabulous Yong Foo elite, where the 6 or 7 courses were all delicious. The Australian wine went down pretty easily too!

Afterwards we were off to 'Not Me' for the after wedding party. Now we'd been to not me a couple of times in the lead up to the wedding and had negotiated a special price deal for the wedding party guests. This included wearing dodgy not me party badges, cheap beers, super cheap cocktails and pretty much our run of the music. Not me's music selection certainly proved bizzare with a selection of new dance music, R&B (everyone's favourite) and chinese pop songs. I wonder if they've put all the millions of photos they took of the party crowd up on their website yet. Of course at the end of the night there were only a few of us left and after the best man decided to argue with the bar staff about the costs of the last four shots he'd had we were on our way off.

Post wedding day was relaxed with an afternoon trip to the pearl markets. Don't ask me exactly where we went, but the main pearl markets in town were being renovated (and are a rip-off anyway) so it was off to the 'burbs to find some cheap pearls. Of course they weren't for me, but with a hung-over sister and a wife on a mission I had to come along and check out the range of fake merchandise on offer. A point to note is that the initial price of things in most markets in china has risen considerably. A lot of places I was able to easily bargain them down to below 1/10th of the price. So start low, because they are well used to ripping tourists off.

Shanghai - part 2

2009-04-21T03:52:00.006+10:00

A trip to the founding place of Communism in china proved an interesting diversion to another exciting day filled with adventures in Shanghai. I think that there is still a huge amount of 'education' that goes on against the local people in China. The press is definitely not free, as an example the local chinese channel made some very interesting comments about Tibet and that the french have always believed that Tibet should be part of China. So as a word of warning, don't believe Chinese TV and news, well in fact don't believe any mass produced news, its all a conspiracy and the only way to know anything about anything is to find out about if yourself. But on the other hand they do show a large amount of football on the tv along with plenty of snooker so you can forgive them a bit for their devotion to high quality tv. Non-chinese satellite tv is only available illegally and lonely planet China guidebooks can't be bought in China as they have said some negative things about the place in the past.

A day of wandering around the city proved interesting, we invested in some custom tailored suits and clothes in the clothing markets which take a few days to put together. The evening involved a very large amount of beer and shots and an argument with bar staff about a fake note that they had just given to us in change. The groom to be proved slightly the worse for wear but heroically backed up again the next night.

The days in Shanghai were proving to fly by, we were almost killed repeatedly by taxi drivers who seem to make a living from avoiding crashes by the narrowest possible margin and charging you $3 to go across the whole city. The subway system was so jammed packed a peak hour that you couldn't see for the walls of people. The french concession is highly recommended for just wandering around. There are plenty of cool bars, restaurants, and of course the Shanghai TV university. I dropped in to pick up an honorary degree in simpsons watching, and was also awarded a doctorate in advanced world cup broadcasts.

Don't believe all you read about this fine institution though because it does appear to be run out of a shack on some back street and across the road there are plenty of dodgy dvd dealers but I personally believe that its all legit.

Shanghai - part 1

2009-04-21T03:25:00.007+10:00

Shanghai is an amazing place, risen from a small town only a couple of hundred years ago to being a teeming metropolis of somewhere between 15 - 25 million people depending upon who you believe. Filled with high rises and designer stores, you only need to walk a few streets away to find poverty and traditional chinese living. Street food is common place, but 5 star restaurants and hotels also dot the city like pimples on a acne ridden 15 year old. First night involved the view from the bund, and then a beer at captain hostel bar. Highly recommended for the view, not highly recommended for the pizza. Then it was off past East nanjing st, (filled with desinger stores, touts, fake watches and the subway) to Southern Barbarian for dinner. Thanks Case and Ben for organising, the yunnan food was super awesome and cheap and the extensive beer list was well received.

Day 2 - We didn't really know where to begin, our guidebook despite being brand new proved hideously out of date. The city changes so much that unless you are printing a guidebook a day you'd never be able to keep up with pace of chance around the city. So we headed south, it was towards the equator so that gave us some hope that it would be warmer.

Soon we entered some markets in the old area of town. Do not buy anything here except maybe street food. Everything else is a tourist trap and you will pay through the nose, ears, eyes and throat (thank you scottish man on the train for the quote) for anything else. Still its kind of exciting and entertaining to wander around. These streets have been rebuilt as some kind of new 'old' chinese buildings are filled with shops, food, street performers and touts. We continued our adventures and walked about 20kms through the teeming metropolis that is Shanghai. The architecture of the modern buildings in the city is amazing, with dizzying skyscrapers meeting traditional chinese buildings, french colonial architecture with slums, terrible roads and extreme pollution thrown into the mix.

Night two involved a visit to southern beauty for szechuan food. I was sweating chilli through my eyeballs but man it was good. They made these great little eggplants topped with fresh chilli and tomato, a standout. The prawns were so hot that you could've cooked an egg on them and everything else was a dream as my mind was so fuzzled by the extreme amounts of spice.

Hong Kong part 2

2009-04-21T02:54:00.008+10:00

Well the next couple of days in HK proved as exciting as the first. Day 2 included a trip to the fabled land of magic called disneyland, and it didn't up as bad as charlie's trip to candy mountain!

Disneyland in HK was a disappointment for me, smaller than its LA counterpoint it also has focussed entirely on the cutesy side of things. Rides are designed for 5 year olds or imbeciles and although space mountain still rocks, I found the whole experience slightly tarnished by the steep entry price and lack of killer death roller coasters.

Of course it wasn't all bad the teacups are always amusing once you get them up to mach 2 or so. Keep spinning faster and faster and your lunch will soon be revisiting you! Of course no trip to disneyland is complete without some terrible food, which proved to be the case here too. Yay!

In the evening the lure of HK harbour proved too much once again as we decided to brave the mist and take some photos around the fun of Tsim Sha Tsui.

The next day we were off to Tai Po, to visit a more relaxed and calming area of town. It was nice wandering around the parks and high rises before heading back into the centre of town and the island for a trip up the peak. Don't get the tram up the peak, walk! You just have to get the bus to the base of the peak near the university of HK and find an appropriate path up the hill. We thought we had gotten lost or got the wrong bus, but a good hours walk up the hill provided some great views and then you can ride the tram down.

Well after that there was little to do but jump on the plane to Shanghai.

Hong Kong part 1

2009-04-21T02:32:00.009+10:00

Hello and welcome back to the blog!

Interspersed with my normal ramblings will now be included some travel ramblings to keep you all interested and occupied.

First of all Hong Kong!

It feels like months ago that I was in HK, but in reality it was but 3 short weeks back.

We were staying in Mongkok, and that means shopping and crazy chinese food. First stop was the apple shop, where they sold neither apples, nor high priced fancy electronic goods. Boy was I disappointed.

Many more hours were spent wandering around around the city looking for the elusive fermented tofu, it can be smelt everywhere and made me want to barf more than any other smell in the history of the universe. I think HK is a fun city, lots to do and easy to get around. Its not always cheap though, some types of shopping and food are but its also got an ultra rich upper class so its a strange mix. There's so much to be done that you can't help but blow a few thousand on some Faberge eggs and caviar.

In addition we had to take a look at HK, at both daytime and night time. Of course the buildings are all now filled with out of work bankers who choose to barricade themselves in their offices rather than give up HK real estate. Thank you GFC. Nerf battles are the only way for them to defend their territory.

Of course in HK you must eat. Below is a before and after picture of Kathleen with a ginormous piece of cheesecake from the main st. deli, highly recommended for New York style food on the far side of the world.

She didn't get quite through it all, so that was left to me.

That was just 1 day! So much to do.

Guitar Praise

2008-08-29T11:04:00.002+10:00

Oh yeah, everyone loves guitar hero right? Well now you don't have to put up with all that evil music. Instead you can head out and grab a copy of guitar praise! Now you can rock along with all your favourite Christian rock bands such as Family Force 5, This Beautiful Republic and Chris Tomlin. Plus who could forget Thousand Foot Krutch's 'The Flame in all of us'.

Oh yeah, this has to be one of the greatest products of all time, so get cracking and order me a few copies in case the first one is slightly damaged.

Planes with lasers on their heads

2008-08-21T15:30:00.002+10:00

Yes folks its true, we are one step closer to sharks with freakin lasers on their heads. Boeing have been testing a new weapons system which has some kind of super power laser to precisely kill targets from planes. Sounds like fun, until they miniaturise it and put it into your next Gi Joe and release him on the battlefields of the world with robotic control from your iPhone. Now that'd be awesome, (patent pending) the design is mine mu ahhahahhahahhaha.

Street view not so funny

2008-08-11T16:46:00.003+10:00

So it turns out the picture from the other day of the guy passed out on the side of the street wasn't quite so funny after all. Well the guy was passed out but it turns out that it was because he'd got home after a big night after his friend had died. Sad but true :(

Street View Madness

2008-08-07T13:43:00.004+10:00

I love street view and this post is about the funniest thing seen so far on street view. So get cracking and find me something more interesting.

Denis sent me this site of fine street view sightings including a very realistic break in and UFO sighting but I love the clean humour of a guy passed out on the street. Excellente!

Street View Australia

2008-08-05T10:41:00.004+10:00

So google have gone and driven around the whole of Australia and released their Australian street view. Just click on the street view button on the right and see what you can do. I've found my house and a few other interesting things but get with the program and see what weirdness you can find.

Aaaah google is there anything you can't do with your giant advertising revenue stream.

Jetpacks are cool again

2008-07-30T13:33:00.002+10:00

Aaah, the 70s, everyone was dreaming of personal jetpacks powered by nothing more than 400 litres of petrol at 3c/litre. Sure you might only get 500m out of your fuel but it was so worth it.

Well, enter the 00s and all of a sudden petrol costs more than a night on the town including dinner and a show and your personal jetpack wasn't such a good idea. Well maybe it is and some crazy fool is still out there trying to create a working jetpack. Sure this one looks like it might almost work but can we afford mess that this will create of our already crowded airspace, oh think of the airlines someone, please.

Back again

2008-07-10T11:19:00.004+10:00

Well its been months since I updated the blog, mainly because I've been lazy but also because of weddings, honeymoons and some stupidly busy work.

BTW Vietnam was awesome and I highly recommend that you all go there before it gets too touristy. At the moment there are still a lot of nice little places away from the major tourist trails that make for a relaxing and pleasant break from the frantic madness of modern life. Highly recommended are Hoi An and Phu Quoc, along with the amazing Ha long bay. Ha long bay is pretty over touristed, but you can find some amazing package deals to see the bay for a few days including food, accommodation, boats, kayaks, and whatever else you want to do.

Hanoi and Saigon are cool for a couple of days each, but nothing more I'd say. There's so much more interesting scenery, people and things outside of the cities. So get cracking before its too late.

Also remember your phrase book, because you are always going to want to find out if that chicken is genetically modified.

Subprime crisis for dummies

2008-02-28T16:11:00.001+11:00

Ahh, the subprime crisis, if there isn't a finer collection of words that don't really make any sense. Of course this simple subprime explanation makes it clear even to noobs like me whose understanding of finances is limited to the fact that money can be exchanged for goods and services. So get clicking and you might actually learn something today and not just will it blend.

TV fun

2008-01-11T11:20:00.000+11:00

Sure maybe there were too many TVs at CES, I dunno, I've never been there so feel free to pay for me to go next year. Well anyway, the wacky grew at gizmodo went around and turned off a bunch of TVs at CES with a TV-B-Gone remote control. Designed to do nothing but turn tvs off. Yeah it was childish, yes it caused some people some anguish as they tried to work out why their 82" quad HD tv wasn't working, but man it was funny.

Brief sanitised article on why airport security is (generally) a waste of time

2008-01-03T11:27:00.000+11:00

Everyone likes a short story and this one explains without much embellishment precisely why airport security is a waste of time. I agree with a lot of what they've got to say, and the simple truth is that no system is flawless, and the system we have makes it ridiculously unpleasant to fly almost anywhere. This is entirely the wrong approach to security as confiscating water and stopping small sharp objects doesn't prevent hijacks any more than stationing Chuck Norris on every flight would. So get smart people and airlines and start complaining about the ridiculousness of the security measures we have.

Whaa, Christmas Lights

2007-12-21T10:15:00.000+11:00

Yep, Perth, the most isolated place on earth and home to nothing but a few little lighting stores that enable people to create stupendous lighting displays like this little sucker. I dunno how much power it consumes but my guess is that there is a $40,000 electricity bill coming their way fairly soon. Oh yeah, you need sound for this too so don't watch it on your 386 with inbuilt pc speaker mmm,k?

Reviews

2007-12-13T14:40:00.000+11:00

We're back with all the news that other blogs have already talked about first. In this case its reviews, and some fine entertaining reviews on some exciting products.

Stuck for ideas for christmas? Well try the bic black crystal pen at only 13p each they are a real bargain. Be aware though one review has this pen listed as the devil's own. So read at your own risk.

The second item up for christmas presents is some fine Tuscan milk, as smooth as the day is long although its not recommended for use as a roofing agent.

Mmmm 8 cups of gravy

2007-11-22T09:18:00.000+11:00

Doctors have been telling us for years to drink 8 cups of gravy a day and now you can with Crowther's drinking gravy!! As an added bonus its only 11d a glass/pint or something and it will put hairs on your chest and turn you into a real man. Can you imagine if this took off, seriously. I mean you walk into a bar and say a glass of your finest gravy, they dish it up and you get larger by the second.

Bush fun

2007-11-22T09:12:00.000+11:00

So Bush thinks Musharraf is a stand out guy with some policies hell bent on freedom and democracy. Sure, he may have locked up anyone who opposes him and kicked most of the journalists out of the country but he's doing for the good of democracy. Anyway who is Bush to complain, he has Guantanamo and Fox news for his propoganda.

I can't believe its not a tank

2007-11-12T16:27:00.000+11:00

One day the world will be filled with thousands of invisible objects, including razor blades, knifes, swords and grenades. All designed to make your day that little bit more exciting. Well the British Military doesn't want to be left out and have built invisible tank. This fine piece of machinery will go from 0-invisible in under 3 hours and will soon be making its way to the battlefield of the future.

Man, tanks are so outdated, smart bombs and those autonomous drones are so the way of the future.

Google image fun

2007-10-24T16:44:00.000+10:00

Although google is already a good search engine, I won't say great because I still think the other searches besides the web one don't actually work particularly well, it is pretty useful. This fun google image matcher is a game where you try to match words with a partner to describe a particular picture. Obviously this is a way for google to get lots of stats on what people think a particular image is and over time it should make the whole image search thing a whole lot easier. cool, eh?

Bacon beer

2007-10-10T16:37:00.000+10:00

Germans, is there anything they can't do. I mean Oktoberfest already contains pork products and beer which makes it fun and exciting but now you can sample the two products together in one glass. And no, they haven't just ground up some bacon bits and added them to a fermenting brew its actually wood smoke and a hand aged, charred oak barrel type process to produce the unique bacon flavoured beer.

Tank for hire

2007-10-09T11:54:00.000+10:00

I can't believe that I can't just hire a tank right here, instead I have to go over to the middle of nowhere (UK) and hire a tank. Looks like it could be a barrel of fun, literally if they load that gun up with some depleted uranium weaponry. They can crush cars for you, drive you to a wedding, teach you how to drive a tank, in fact all kinds of wholesome family fun. So get cracking and get me one of these for my next birthday.

Free radiohead

2007-10-02T13:32:00.000+10:00

Aaah if radioheads were always free I'd have a collection of over 400 by now. Well for once a major band is doing the right thing by its fans and not releasing an album through a money hungry, RIAA loving major label. Instead they just set up their own website where you can download their latest album for whatever you feel like paying. This revolutionary concept is brought to you by radiohead and the letter a. Actual release date is October 10.

Ray Guns

2007-09-25T12:00:00.000+10:00

Everyone loves ray guns!. I mean who wouldn't want a deadly beam of pain inducing radiation directed their way. In fact you may as well just equip your whole house with these suckers and turn em on when you go out. That would keep those suckers away from your collection of antique plush novelty toys. So get cracking Raytheon and release a publicly available version I guarantee you'll make billions!

Perpetual Motion Machine

2007-09-19T11:57:00.001+10:00

Its not April 1st so maybe this perpetual motion machine is not quite as much of a hoax as first thought. Ok, its not perpetual motion but supposedly it releases more energy than is put into it, this energy is then used to heat water. Sounds like a load of balony to me, but what do I know I'm just a hobo with a collection of rabies filled Colobus monkeys in my backyard to keep me company. Even if it is releasing more energy than is put into it, it looks like you'd have to supply some kind of additional fuel to the innards of this sucker to make sure it could continue producing power. Its the only even vaguely logical explanation.

Kitana v Bullet

2007-09-17T11:58:00.000+10:00

The question that has plagued man-kind throughout the millennia is will a kitana stand up to a handgun bullet. Using revolutionary filming techniques and some cool old guys with fancy manga style Japanese voices you can find out for yourselves. Kitana v Hand-gun is one of the best usages for the internet since the all your base fad of the early part of the 00s. Plus as an added bonus you can see what happens when a .50cal is fired at the kitana too. Excellente.

Plane crashing

2007-09-11T16:24:00.000+10:00

Hmm, going on a trip and fancy seeing what happens when the landing gear collapses on your plane. Well watch away as the plane veers sideways loses a prop and plows into the grass before catching on fire. Fortunately everyone survived and the plane later flew a cargo of bananas to my chimps in Buenos Aires but initially things looked really bad.

50 worst cars

2007-09-11T16:08:00.000+10:00

A quick click through the 50 worst cars in history ended up being an interesting way to spend some time. There are some real gems in there like this Crosley Hot Shot which combines style, power and handling into one compact piece of engineering mastery. Now if only they could build cars like this nowdays.

Chaser breach apec security

2007-09-06T16:35:00.000+10:00

Aaah the Chaser. This time they pretended to be the Canadian delegation for APEC and were easily able to enter the security cordon around APEC. I mean its a pretty simple stunt but no doubt will get them into a whole lot of trouble. They did get arrested afterwards so we'll see what comes of it.

More google earth fun

2007-09-04T16:32:00.000+10:00

Yay! Google earth contains even more bonus easter eggs, including and in-built flight simulator. I mean its not quite that revolutionary because you could kind of do it yourself by just flying around with the keys after adjusting the view angle but its still kind of neat.

I'm just waiting for the google human technology where you take a normal human and then can zoom in all over their body to see muscles, tissues, blood flow and maybe even zoom right in to the genome. Now that'd be kind of cool. (Patent pending)

Engineers

2007-08-30T11:56:00.001+10:00

Go on, watch this clip of some fine engineers at work. I can't really say too much about this clip except that you probably should watch it.

Free from poor waiters

2007-08-29T16:15:00.000+10:00

Are you sick of waiters who sit around and never actually provide any service? Tired of asking for a glass of water 15 times before it actually appears at your table?

Well enter the fully automated restaurant. You place orders directly on a computer and pay with magic card although I guess cash could easily be an option. Your food is still prepared by chefs who place it on the gravity fed delivery system which provides the food directly to your table. Plus the whole system gives you an idea of expected wait times and how soon your can expect your lobster stuffed with tacos stuffed with caviar stuffed with gruel to arrive.

Make your own beer

2007-08-29T15:56:00.000+10:00

The more beer the merrier and this fine contraption makes it easy to have a selection of your own premium brew always available. Rather than using bottles and a whole bunch of transferring this is an all-inclusive system where the fine, tasty, malty, sweet, delicious beverage is securely pumped around using friendly C02. Sure, the guy just built it for himself but the day can't be too far away when we are all brewing our own beverages and adding them straight into a keg without the need for any pesky interference.

Phillipines thriller prison dance

2007-08-28T22:38:00.000+10:00

Maybe the title doesn't really do it justice but the crazy Cebu Prison Thriller Dance is fairly interesting and amusing. For futher information on why these prison inmates are dancing get with the program and find out everything you ever wanted to know. What I don't get is why just thriller, all these guys in orange costumes could be used to create some of the awesomest videos ever!

Thanks Kathleen!

Tokyo Wave Pool

2007-08-21T14:16:00.000+10:00

This pool is one of the most ridiculously overcrowded things I have ever seen. Supposedly its summer holidays in Japan and everyone has headed down to the Tokyo summerland wave pool. By everyone, I mean apparently the whole population of Tokyo decided to head into the pool on one particular day. This is just plain insane, I mean, Tokyo is crowded and all that but why would you bother going to the pool to be crushed in with 80000 other people.

You tube fun

2007-08-21T13:25:00.000+10:00

Well you know those double quarter pounders, well those are easy. This guy has gone for the double pounder. Two pounds of extra greasy macca's beef with cheese/pickles etc. So see for yourself how the double pounder goes down!

In more you tube fun (Thanks Mylk) comes this guy rocking out on a giant guitar. He seems to get a fair bit of action out of that guitar although it must be mighty difficult to play well as it is so huge.

Piss Screen

2007-08-15T16:38:00.001+10:00

Its the best named product since "I can't believe its not butter" and it also keeps you amused during your frequent swollen prostate visits to the urinal - Its the piss-screen. Basically its a game you can play while urinating to keep yourself amused and as a simple attempt to work out if you are too drunk to drive.

Personally I think this might encourage extra drinking, you might become so addicted to the game that you spend hours drinking more and more pints to try and best your previous high score.

The clock that knows all

2007-08-06T09:16:00.000+10:00

Ah, we're back for a fun exciting Monday! This time we've been passed a copy of the world clock and it tells some interesting statistics. From my reckoning it looks like 5.4% of world deaths this year have been from HIV/AIDS and other STDs. That's just a huge number and I demand action. No longer can our governments sit on their hands and promote road safety when this many people are out there dying from preventable diseases.

Well that's my rant, see you all later.

Thanks Casey!

Double Guitar Simpsons

2007-08-01T17:10:00.000+10:00

You know those guitars that are like double guitars. Well this is actually one guy playing two guitars and in fact I swear I've blogged something about this guy before. Well this time he's playing the simpsons on two guitars and it sounds pretty good.

I also thought I'd include a review of the simpsons movie for everyone out there. The plot is somewhat lame and could've done with a bit more thought. Still, the individual scenes in the movie are a lot like one giant episode. There are some really funny moments and Homer keeps us amused throughout. I found Bart's character completely different to the show and it was a bit annoying that he didn't really match his previous 18 years of character development. Lisa was amusing and all the side characters put in good performances. Its certainly not the greatest comedy movie ever, but it has its moments and kept me pretty amused for an hour and a half. 7/10

Illusions to elude you

2007-07-17T11:55:00.000+10:00

Once upon a time I blogged a whole bunch of illusions, I can't be stuffed finding that post now so here is a whole bunch more illusions. I especially like this one, it really looks like I'm going insane and will soon be blind from the waist down. In fact, maybe I've already gone insane and founded my own cult, the millions of dollars I'm raising will be to develop my own giant squid farm, I hear they are quite a delicacy.

Its a series of giant tubes

2007-07-13T16:43:00.000+10:00

No in this case it really is a series of giant tubes, beneath the streets of Tokyo. You can go in as a tourist and see this crap for real. It looks like it is out of half life or something weird and its really used for removing a whole bunch of water from under tokyo during the typhoon season. Giant 50 metre tubes with giant pumps that power through the super happy fun slide of water than inundates everyone's favourite city.

Thanks Mykl!

Beards are objects of terror

2007-07-11T17:00:00.000+10:00

This fine news article has to be one of the funniest I've seen for a long time. James Hetfield (Metallica) was detained at an airport for having a Taliban look alike beard. Now what gets me is that his beard is fairly typical of a beard. Its not particularly likely to be filled with explosives or anything else yet he was detained because of it. I'm so growing a beard and keeping it laced with poison, so anyone who touches it dies a slow and painful death. Exciting stuff.

Thanks Ingi!

Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart, I do

2007-07-03T12:03:00.000+10:00

Everyone needs the Kwik-E-Mart and with this all new promotion for the Simpsons movie selected 7-11s are being converted into Kwik-E-Marts. This is really exciting news, because in addition to being called Kwik-E-Marts they'll sell a whole bunch of Simpsons stuff including Buzz cola. If only they had Duff, there was a company that made Duff for a brief period of time but they got shut down. I hear that on ebay the cases go for billions now.

Here is some random Simpsons manga style cartoon for your amusement.

Thanks Denis and Ingi!

Virtual barber shop

2007-07-02T13:51:00.000+10:00

I can't believe its not butter!! No wait, I can't believe that the virtual barbershop isn't a real barbershop. Now, I'm deadly serious, grab some headphones (not speakers) and go and have a listen to the barbershop. It'll potentially freak you out with some mighty realistic sounding stuff going on.

No Chinese products

2007-06-29T13:54:00.000+10:00

So some family decided to live for a year in the US without and Chinese products. Sounds easy, just eat nothing but pure Argentine beef and get all your heroin from Nicaragua and everything will be good. Well maybe not, as so many products contain nothing but Chinese blood, sweat and tears. So go and buy this book and then lend it to me. In fact the book will probably be printed in China so it could be difficult to find if you do try to follow this philosophy.

Thanks Mykl

10 strangest weapons

2007-06-28T17:02:00.000+10:00

This blog has suffered in recent weeks from a lack of weapons and weapon related paraphernalia. So get on over to the 10 strangest weapons to find out what's really been going on with bizarre weapons development over the last billion years. I like the german mini tanks, they are small and have a top speed of 6mph. Now that's some awesome weaponry. Aaah, this mini tank is coming to get me and may implode at any moment. Excellent!

CL3 Report - 23/6 v Checks

2007-06-25T09:26:00.000+10:00

To regular readers of this blog this is a match report from ye olde ANU CL3 hockey team so read on at your own risk.

Multimedia presentations are too hard via email.

Michael showed up with his camera which has prompted me to release this match report in blog format so that I can easily include loads of pictures. As you can see the day dawned clear and bright. Some early pressure gave us a number of shots, such as this fine effort from myself which resulted in a short corner. Some people may suggest that the percentage play would've been to hold the ball and pass off to an open man but that just wouldn't be third grade.

Throughout the first half we had a whole bunch of short corners, but we were unable to convert. I mean it probably has something to do with how we lined up, we should've formed some kind of flying V to confuse the opposition instead of this bog standard line up.

Some other highlights from the first half include:
Jimmy dragging the ball back,

Mitch passing to Rick

and Rick showing us his pace. Just look at that leg speed.

Jono kept running throughout the game and was deservedly best and fairest on the day. I mean look at him go, his pace and ball control were easily enough to outsmart the opposition.

Despite our myriad of short corners and our complete dominance of the first half we went into the break at 0-0. The second half began brightly, five minutes in and Rick blasted a ball into the circle, I deflected it away from the goal and Ash (forward) gratefully put the ball into the net.
Soon after, Ash (GK) took a seat and our desperation around the goal area in defence meant we held onto our lead for a little while.

More pressure meant that we scored a second as the ball bobbled around in the circle before Kurt finished nicely over the keeper. This resulted in a nice panorama shot of us all looking impressed with ourselves.

This however proved a turning point in the match. Some complete brain fades occurred and we began playing some truly awful hockey. Hinds gave the ball away to Jimmy Borrett on top of the circle. He stuffed his shot and it bounced back off the post. Ash (GK) attempted to clear and misjudged it, Jimmy picked the ball up again only to have Hinds take it off him. Here is the aftermath.

Things were getting desperate. Tempo got robbed at the top of the circle and they capitalised making it 2-1. They showed a lot of agression and were soon slide tackling us all over the place.

We conceded another goal from a short corner as we were unable to effectively clear our defences. 2-2 and it wasn't looking good. Our desperation in the final few minutes and Tempo preparing for his role in Manpower Australia kept us in the game.

Hinds did his usual trick of taking people out and as always was extremely apologetic.

Kurt got a yellow card for hacking, although it was far from the worst tackle of the day and we eventually held on for a 2-2 draw.

Pros:
We played 50 minutes of really good hockey and should've been further ahead.
Passing and pressure on opposition were excellent

Cons:
Couldn't convert from shorts
Fitness let us down

Vital Stats:
Goals: Ash (Forward), Kurt
B&F: Jono 3, Shorty, Sam, Ash (GK) 2, Nick 1
Drew 2-2 with checks.

Dramatic Chipmunk

2007-06-22T10:31:00.000+10:00

I didn't believe that a five second video of a chipmunk could actually be interesting, funny and entertaining all at once. Well how wrong was I, dramatic chipmunk provides a world of excitement in just five seconds of amusement. Sure it may not be as funny as Ali G interviewing Posh and David Beckham but it will provide you with a brief stab of amusement on this lonely Friday morning.

Sleeping your life away in airports

2007-06-21T16:13:00.000+10:00

So you want to be a worldwide traveller, filled with knowledge about the greatest places in the world to score a kebab. Well maybe the sleeping in airports site can answer some questions for you on where to sleep when your flight from Djibouti to Zanzibar is delayed because of a flesh eating virus on the plane. Yeah, its not all fun and games in airports and in fact I reckon they are one of the most boring life sucking places in the whole world.

Thanks Mykl!

Cables ain't cables

2007-06-14T13:00:00.001+10:00

You know those fancy monster cables that cost $1 billion dollars for a small amount of cable barely enough to hook up your dv-camera to your hd tv well the big questions is do they really achieve anything. The big answer, sort of. Even bodgy cables can have an impact particularly on hd signals but they may not have. What this not really in depth study says is that maybe you should try the cheap cables first and if everything works fine don't change. However, if your HD setup isn't quite performing to perfection than the solution may be in the cables.

Simpsons' Town!

2007-06-06T16:15:00.000+10:00

Yay!! Its a complete map and guide of all the shops/stores and two dollar pieces of junk in ye olde springfield towne. The interactive map is actually the coolest bit about this because it means that you can scroll around and look at the perfect geography that makes up this fine town. Sure, it doesn't really make sense and doesn't keep it completely factual but it makes for some interesting web browsing anyway.

Thanks Ingi!

Copyright not valid sometimes

2007-05-29T11:45:00.000+10:00

Yes suckers, as soon as a copyright protection is broken then it is no longer effective so can no longer be protected in a court of law. At least that's my interpretation of this wacky finnish district court ruling that will undoubtably set the precedent for all court cases from now on.

Look the whole DRM thing just doesn't work. Quit it!! Investigate other business options and stop filling lawyers pockets with gold idiots. I reckon record companies and the MPAA studios could make a packet load more cash just by selling legitimate content at a reduced price without DRM. I'd sure by a helluva lot more legit material if it was priced somewhat reasonably for legitimate download.

Hot chip vending machine

2007-05-25T16:21:00.000+10:00

Wow, you'll never have to move from your desk/chair/couch ever again with one of these hot chip vending machines. Think of the endless convenience of having hot grease delivered fresh to your arteries every five minutes. Set ones of these up next to a coke machine and some japanese cigarette and alcohol machines and you're set for life. Well the next three years until your arteries pack it in and you die a slow and painful death.

Thanks Denis!

Update! I knew that the Japanese had to have a hamburger vending machine somewhere!! Excellent

Snakes on a real plane

2007-05-25T14:03:00.000+10:00

Ahh when will people learn that you can't take a bag full of snakes onto a plane? 700 snakes in fact. They must've been damned small snakes to even fit 700 onto a carry on bag and why would the guy even think he wouldn't be caught, what with all those liquids and animals all packed together in one bag.

Meds, V!@g5A!?!

2007-05-25T13:27:00.000+10:00

Rather than just believing what these fine people had heard from their doctors and qualified medical practitioners about all kinds of medications and went and created their own website filled with information. Now crazy meds isn't the kind of site where you can order your own happy pills, but it is the kind of site that presents information in a user friendly way about that truck load of bipolar medicine you found behind that dumpster. So get cracking and find out the effects of lithium on your gums!

Thanks Mykl!

Congressman living off food stamps

2007-05-23T10:21:00.000+10:00

This blog from US congressman Tim Ryan details an interesting little experiment that he has been up to for the last week of so. He has been attempting to live off food stamps for a week. Now US food stamps give you $21 to live off for a whole week, so there isn't much chance of getting some steak or anything else exciting. Day 1 details his plan for the week and how much stuff you can actually get for your cash. So go ahead read the whole weeks worth and find out what its like living off the olde food stamps. Generally I'd say that most people living off food stamps would also have to contribute a bit of their cash too but its an interesting experiment nonetheless.

Oh yeah, rotating buildings

2007-05-21T14:04:00.000+10:00

Once upon a time there were some rotating restaurants. They appeared to be all the rage in the 70s and 80s but recently have denegraded into nothing more than tourist traps where people are charged $80 for a small salad and a view of some construction site. Well now they are going one better. This whole building can rotate, separately. Yes, each flow rotates of its own accord causing the building to look different at all different times of the day. Sure, it may only be a pipe dream for now but these dubians will soon build it and then I will buy the 60th floor and fill it with chimpanzees.

Dodgy Wii Tennis

2007-05-11T13:58:00.000+10:00

Although I almost 100% guarantee that this is fake its still amusing to watch this dog beat this dude at wii tennis. Methinks they just taped a wiimote to a fake dog arm and away they went but its still interesting. One day I reckon that dogs will be awesome at wii tennis but until that exclusive training school I've got set up high in the sierra nevada comes to fruition it ain't looking good for fido.

Meatcake

2007-05-11T12:22:00.000+10:00

So you want some meat with your cake? Don't like those crappy chocolately monstrosities that are regularly consumed as being good and interesting food. Well the meatcake is the answer to all your prayers. Filled with meat, sauce and potatoes it couldn't be tastier. Well it could be if they also wrapped it in bacon, but that could be meatcake V2. Enough talking about meatcake I'm going home to make one.

Chicken eating spiders

2007-05-09T14:40:00.000+10:00

I knew that all these people fiddling with DNA and genes and so forth would eventually go crazy and release a strange specie that would soon overtake the world. Well it turns out that they haven't yet done it. This chicken eating spider is a natural freak and didn't come out of some scienticians crazy backyard lab. I for one am disappointed. I mean what have these scienticians been up to. If they can't make mega spiders that will soon take over the world then I'm not interested in investing. I'm going to the track instead to gamble on the dogs.

Solar power kicks ass

2007-05-07T13:54:00.000+10:00

Why oh why, can't we have giant pyramids of light all over the world fuelling our insatiable need for more power. Well if the future is anything like the Spanish countryside we soon will. This ray tower is just plan cool (not) and focuses the light of 1000 mirrors onto some water which is turned into steam and drives a turbine. I saw a documentary about how it all works and it makes a lot more sense then traditional solar cells which try to convert the suns rays directly into power. Its 100% green and with all this free land in Aus we should be building a few of these suckers to power us into the next billenium. So get cracking government. Stop worrying about nuclear and get started on some serious solutions to the problems!

$65 million dollar pants

2007-04-30T11:28:00.000+10:00

I once owned a pair of $65M pants. I left them on a small island off the coast of Belize in the mid 90s and never saw them again. Well this guy just lost his pants at the dry cleaners after putting them in for an alteration. This is just plain stupid, why the hell could you possible consider that a pair of pants is worth $65M in mental anguish plus the cost of hiring a car and all kinds of other crap. My god, this is perhaps the most frivolous waste of time in the history of the universe. Especially considering the fact that the guy already got a check for $150 to replace the pants. Sounds pretty fair to me.

Fascist US

2007-04-26T15:41:00.000+10:00

How to create your own fascist state is an interesting article that explains why the US is basically heading down the path of fascism. Although it does make some interesting points, a lot of the 10 steps are being followed by any number of other countries too. So beware people of earth, you may soon be living under an insane dictator hellbent on destruction. Oh wait, we already are.
What we need is an alien race to attack, then we could unite and form an earth alliance to crush our evil alien masters. Because as it is at the moment, everyone just wants to pick a fight and the best fights are with people who are different. The more different they are the better. So clearly aliens are going to be way different, so everyone will hate them even more. Haven't you seen independence day people!!!

Russian madness

2007-04-23T13:44:00.000+10:00

I love the ruskies. Their fine vodka and giant furry hats are a source of happiness the world over. Well now you can watch some fine russian driving. The tunnel looks pretty innocuous to me. I mean slight bend, three lanes of traffic. Nothing too exciting going on there. How can you people drive like such morans. I mean going 150kmh in a tunnel isn't perhaps the best idea and what the hell was that bus driver doing. If you're driving an extendy bus don't start doing burnouts and trying to make the people in the back sick. D@mned fools.

Top 15 GW photos

2007-04-23T11:51:00.000+10:00

As I sit here wondering what kind of joy the internets will provide me with today I can't help but laugh at these GW Bush pics. I mean what man has prompted so much mirth through so much stupidity. Well Clinton came close, but Clinton was happy with some light hearted ridicule, Bush just takes himself so seriously all the time. I know paying out GW is like taking candy from a baby but come on people, its either that or post pictures of Anna Nicole Smith giving birth to an alien child or something.

Daylight savings fun

2007-04-20T14:42:00.000+10:00

Yes we're back, with all the news that's new and improved. Just like this fine letter to the arkansas democrat gazette. I can't believe they let these people out of the insane asylum. Surely if you don't understand even the simplest thing about the way the world works you should be committed. So if you read this article and don't understand then please go ahead and check yourself in.

Top 15 unintentionally funny comic books

2007-03-23T14:20:00.000+11:00

So after this post I'm outta here. Back on or around 16 April. In the meantime feel free to amuse yourself by browsing the old links or by chasing a raccoon around with a chainsaw.

In addition you could browse this link for the top 15 unintentionally funny comic books. There's some mildly amusing stuff in here but I'm picking it won't take you three whole weeks to get through. Well, unless you read at 4 words per day or something.

Later dudes.

Thanks Mykl!

Ye olde internets

2007-03-23T14:16:00.000+11:00

The internets have been around for decades now and some people often wonder what did my internet look like in 19 diggity two. We had to say diggity back then because the kaiser had stolen the word twenty. Anyway if you want to see what cool 1996 net action was available. Then get cracking to this olde page. In fact this is just some guys pathetic ramblings about the issue, if you are really keen to see more you can head to the internet way back machine which archives a whole bunch of stuff.

Thanks Mykl!