Scotland reviews of anything and anywhere

Ok first cab off the rank and these are in no particular order:

Edinburgh Castle

The #1 tourist attraction in Scotland in terms of visitors had a lot to live up to. Generally it felt kind of castly, with plenty of battlements, walls, cannons and stuff. Plus scottish crown jewels. Actually Stirling Castle is better and less busy so I dunno about this. Needs more swords and fake blood. ***1/2 (3.5/5)

Falkirk Wheel

Looks like a giant piece of machinery, which is exactly what it is. Boat rides are ridiculously expensive and not worth it, coffee was ok. Really not worth more than a five minute look, sure its a great engineering feat but not really exciting. Ok its smart, but not really a tourist attraction. ** (2/5)

Barrowland markets

The poor son of Camden markets, no let me correct that, the poor son of every single market in the whole world. Sure maybe it was the fact that half the shops were empty, that we were glassed three times within 5 minutes, or the fact that the tax free cigarettes didn't appeal to us but these markets were pretty damned crap. Don't go, unless you want to get stabbed. No stars (0/5)

Aberfeldy

Tiny town in the highlands with a small mill, number of pubs, golf course and stunning mountain scenery. A lot nicer than some of the other towns around as it wasn't filled with drunken teenagers looking for a fight. A relaxing way to spend a lazy afternoon. **** (4/5)

Dewar's world of whisky

Now a world of whisky better be filled with tonnes of whisky, and it better all be free. Well maybe not, but the world of whisky was filled with a cinema, a display of whisky and a whisky tour. The slightly surly staff who told us to rush through the display so we could go on the tour, but then made us wait 30 mins for the tour probably didn't help. Mmm whisky ***1/2 (3.5/5)

Castle Menzies

Some might say that not actually going into the castle means that I can't review it. Well dammit, I'm going to, looks like a castle, but is also a house. Plus this picture came out real weird. The five quid entry put us off, but as a castle house, it looks kind of castly. Nice from the outside, plus free blackberries in the grounds. **** (4/5)

Loch Tay

Yes, its just a lake, but nearby is a 5000 year old tree, and some incredible scenery. Its just like New Zealand but further, and also has sheep, pubs, cool windy roads for some nice driving action and stupendous views. Plus it was filled with celebrities, so its just like the French riveria except in Scotland and with no actual celebrities. Wow, scenery and shit. ***** (5/5)

Falls of Dochart

Surprisingly, there are falls all over this damned country. This one is just plain cool because its huge, not in terms of height but more in width, so like Anish but actually interesting. Plus loads of pubs to sit right on the falls, and no fancy safety barriers mean you can easily slip and fall on the rocks. Slippery but fun! **** (4/5)

Glen Alva

Hmmm, looking for a casual stroll up the Ochils, well look no further than Glen Alva. Its got a great walking track, filled with wildlife, rabid dogs and butterflies and some cool views over the local area. Plus another waterfall, in a cave, that you can climb into, neat. Could be tricky on anything but a sunny day though. ****1/2 (4.5/5)

Double rainbow

Yeah, take that again Scottish weather, it rains so much that you can get two rainbows. Well you know those guitars that are like double guitars, well it was just like that but in Rainbow format. You don't see that every day, plus I could see the end of the rainbow and went and claimed my pot of gold from the leprachaun. The top one needed more colour **** (4/5)

Largs

Largs is where they take all the midges from the rest of scotland, kill them and then reincarnate them as 10000000 more midges. And old people, and bad chip shops and some ocean. Plus its like an 80s throwback with a bad kiddies theme park, mini golf and nothing else. Seriously people if I retire anywhere in the world it'll never be Largs, its the place where souls go to die. No stars (0/5)