Scotland reviews of anything and anywhere

Ok first cab off the rank and these are in no particular order:

Edinburgh Castle

The #1 tourist attraction in Scotland in terms of visitors had a lot to live up to. Generally it felt kind of castly, with plenty of battlements, walls, cannons and stuff. Plus scottish crown jewels. Actually Stirling Castle is better and less busy so I dunno about this. Needs more swords and fake blood. ***1/2 (3.5/5)

Falkirk Wheel

Looks like a giant piece of machinery, which is exactly what it is. Boat rides are ridiculously expensive and not worth it, coffee was ok. Really not worth more than a five minute look, sure its a great engineering feat but not really exciting. Ok its smart, but not really a tourist attraction. ** (2/5)

Barrowland markets

The poor son of Camden markets, no let me correct that, the poor son of every single market in the whole world. Sure maybe it was the fact that half the shops were empty, that we were glassed three times within 5 minutes, or the fact that the tax free cigarettes didn't appeal to us but these markets were pretty damned crap. Don't go, unless you want to get stabbed. No stars (0/5)

Aberfeldy

Tiny town in the highlands with a small mill, number of pubs, golf course and stunning mountain scenery. A lot nicer than some of the other towns around as it wasn't filled with drunken teenagers looking for a fight. A relaxing way to spend a lazy afternoon. **** (4/5)

Dewar's world of whisky

Now a world of whisky better be filled with tonnes of whisky, and it better all be free. Well maybe not, but the world of whisky was filled with a cinema, a display of whisky and a whisky tour. The slightly surly staff who told us to rush through the display so we could go on the tour, but then made us wait 30 mins for the tour probably didn't help. Mmm whisky ***1/2 (3.5/5)

Castle Menzies

Some might say that not actually going into the castle means that I can't review it. Well dammit, I'm going to, looks like a castle, but is also a house. Plus this picture came out real weird. The five quid entry put us off, but as a castle house, it looks kind of castly. Nice from the outside, plus free blackberries in the grounds. **** (4/5)

Loch Tay

Yes, its just a lake, but nearby is a 5000 year old tree, and some incredible scenery. Its just like New Zealand but further, and also has sheep, pubs, cool windy roads for some nice driving action and stupendous views. Plus it was filled with celebrities, so its just like the French riveria except in Scotland and with no actual celebrities. Wow, scenery and shit. ***** (5/5)

Falls of Dochart

Surprisingly, there are falls all over this damned country. This one is just plain cool because its huge, not in terms of height but more in width, so like Anish but actually interesting. Plus loads of pubs to sit right on the falls, and no fancy safety barriers mean you can easily slip and fall on the rocks. Slippery but fun! **** (4/5)

Glen Alva

Hmmm, looking for a casual stroll up the Ochils, well look no further than Glen Alva. Its got a great walking track, filled with wildlife, rabid dogs and butterflies and some cool views over the local area. Plus another waterfall, in a cave, that you can climb into, neat. Could be tricky on anything but a sunny day though. ****1/2 (4.5/5)

Double rainbow

Yeah, take that again Scottish weather, it rains so much that you can get two rainbows. Well you know those guitars that are like double guitars, well it was just like that but in Rainbow format. You don't see that every day, plus I could see the end of the rainbow and went and claimed my pot of gold from the leprachaun. The top one needed more colour **** (4/5)

Largs

Largs is where they take all the midges from the rest of scotland, kill them and then reincarnate them as 10000000 more midges. And old people, and bad chip shops and some ocean. Plus its like an 80s throwback with a bad kiddies theme park, mini golf and nothing else. Seriously people if I retire anywhere in the world it'll never be Largs, its the place where souls go to die. No stars (0/5)

Reviews!!!

Yo, peeps, after a couple of weeks without updates I'm back with some exciting reviews of things that we've been up to in the last few weeks.

First of all stuff from Edinburgh Fringe/Comedy/Jazz/Sport/Music/Theatre Festival.

Soweto Gospel Choir

Simply amazing voices and a really incredible show without any serious props. Deeply moving and filled with antics, songs, drumming and just outstanding music. All done with voices and banging stuff on tables. Incredible - ***** (5/5)

Adam Hills

A bit naughtier than his on tv comedy, he spent most of the time chatting to and paying out the audience. Amusing stuff, but in reality he probably only had about 15 minutes of material in the show. Still kept me laughing all night - **** (4/5)

Axis of Awesome

Oh yeah, the comedy music group was back for some exciting and hilarious musical comedy, 4 chord song was a huge highlight, production values were super low, but it just didn't matter. Simple comedy, simple fun and simply amazing ****1/2 (4.5/5)

Sword Swallower on Street

Yep, he swalled the sword but took about 15 minutes to do it. Big crowd had formed, but dunno if he really kept them that entertained. Still there's only a few people in the world who can do it. Sweet. *** (3/5)

Random magic guy on street

Yep, he made oranges appear out of nowhere, could produce golf balls from nowhere and his casual abrasive style was pretty good. Plus he made lots of jokes at the audience's expense so was pretty funny too. **** (4/5)

Guy with bed of nails (pictured)

Ok, so he got a fat guy to stand on a bed of nails that was on his chest. I think knowing the physics about beds of nails made it less impressive, but to be able to stand a super fat guy on you was mildly impressive. ***1/2 (3.5/5)

Go Ape in Scotland

This is perhaps one of the worst photos of my brother seen, I mean the harness really doesn't do anyone any favours does it. Anyway, it didn't matter because we were about to go ape and trash some shite. Up in the hills near Aberfoyle is a fine place called go ape where you get to go round, climb stuff, jump into nets and eat copious amounts of bananas while scratching your balls.

First off is a 400m wire drop across some national park or something. Some people's landing tactic seemed to involve crashing into the ground and filling your pants up with tanbark for later scratching action. Still there were 6 stages around the course and the best were the last two. Course 5 is super high and involved some stirrup style footholds that were virtually impossible to get yourself over. Plus immediately after them were some extra sideways wobbling narrow planks, where Adam managed to fall off (into his harness) and cut up his hand good. Nice. Stage 6 involved climbing up a large tree and swinging across into a giant net which you then had to clamber out of to an even higher perch. 'Twas particularly amusing to see some locals teens having absolutely no upper body strength get stuck on the net and have to be helped up... Ha hahahha, losers.

Oh well, we made it that far and after a leisurely drive back to our chateau in the forest we spotted a supreme example of british motoring history. The three wheeled car done up in full racing colours kept me amused for hours!

Arrrgh, Scotland land of surprises and scenery

So where better to start with a night time cruise around the streets of 'Burgh, well there was lots to see with Paul and Lisa including the botanic gardens home to a giant palm tree that will very soon break the roof. Well, they might need to extend the roof but they already did that a couple of times, so keep working at it trusty Scots. What followed, was some fine vegetarian food (yes, Scotland can do it occasionally) and a selection of late night pubs. One of which may or may not be missing a Groslch glass which is probably making itself much more useful at someone's house.

The next stop on the magical mystery tour is Dunfermline, home to a B grade football team, a collection of shops in a mall that are exactly the same as every other mall in the UK and an 11th century abbey. It was quite nifty and proved a fine afternoon out in some bog standard Scottish weather. The modern church only a few hundred years old, is pretty damned impressive and holds the remains of one Robert the Bruce, who appeared to be some type of king hero or something. All I know was that he had a giant sword and went around slaying Englishmen who accused him of drinking too much whisky.

Trying to remember all the names of the castles that we've visited has proved quite challenging and after a fine Dunfermline time, it was down to the coast to Aberdour castle and views out over the firth of forth to Edinburgh. Its another amazing castle and of course can be hired for weddings, parties, bah mitzvahs or whatever. Just tell em that Bruce sent you and they'll throw in an authentic Scottish recreation battle with cannons, knights, axes and laser weapons. Pretty sweet for $5.99 plus VAT.

So Scotland in summer is a surprising place, the best thing about it is the countryside, now I know people like Edinburgh for the castle and the bars and Glasgow for the knife fights and glasgow salads, but for me, escaping to the hills, mountains, castles, lochs etc, is far more exciting.

St Andrews, home of the patron saint of golf

As I write this its been a bit over a week since the olde visit to the east coast of sunny scotland. We started at Anstruther, famous for its fish bar, where you can get into a real fight with a halibut over a spilt prawn cocktail. Nah, its a helluva place filled with chip shops and nice views out over the tiny jetty.

So we headed to the famous Anstruther fish bar, winner of best fish and chips in the UK a couple of times. First problem, they wouldn't do salad take away for K, well that's just plain ridiculous, make the salad and put it in a box to take away. How hard could it be. So the fish supper (fish and chips) was good but not great, if this is what Britain has to offer as the best version of their national dish then I'm sorely disappointed. Sure it was better than your average pub version but it wasn't earth shattering. Still our car enjoyed the ride and the excitement of a partially clear day in Scotland.

Next stop St Andrews, home to some amazing ruins, some type of golf course and a uni where prince william spent most of his time getting drunk and trying his luck with the local neddys.


If you cannae understand wae a
neddy is then yar need to yar hed examined.

In fact, St Andrews is a nifty kind of touristy town, the ruins of the old cathedral are stunning, with or without an icecream and the local castle looked very castley. The old town streets were fun for a bit of a wander, and because the weather was good every man and his dog was out getting drunk and eating ice cream. Fun! Of course no visit to St Andrews is complete without trawling through the thousands of antique stores, not....

No visit to St. Andrews is complete without a visit to the home of golf. It was a mild day so I hit 65 off the stick on the old course, not a bad achievement considering I haven't touched a club much in the last couple of weeks. Actually they wouldn't let me on the old course because I didn't have enough starch in my shirt and my salary was not measured in weight. Still, its a cool course and I can see why it would be damned hard when the wind gets up.

Islands in the sun

So another fine scottish day greeted us with plenty of misty rain, but not to be outdone we decided to head to a lake. No, not a loch, a lake, the only one in Scotland, the Lake of Menteith. A short boat ride out to the island found us at Inchmahome Priory. Home to the Augustinian canons. Dammit the canons were really people and they didn't fire them into the lake at travelling band of minstrels. There was a castle on the next island too, but we weren't allowed to visit because the owners decreed it to be so. Still the island must've been a super boring for most of the year and they were only allowed a fire in one room and that's really not that good when the lake freezes over for a couple of months / year.

After some bucketing rain in Aberfoyle which we craftily managed to avoid by eating a giant lunch we went ape. Well, not really because there was a giant queue due to the lightning storm and the guy wasn't so sure whether he could get us on in that afternoon. Bastards, surely it rains every day here so they've gotta have some kind of contingency plan for when it rains. Anyway, that left us free to wander around Queen Elizabeth Forest park in the Trossachs without any kind of direction. Sure we had a map and every single trail through the whole forest was carefully marked, but we could've got lost and had to be rescued by some Scottish Terriers. Luckily the terriers weren't required and we found another castle ruined on the world's smallest island. Literally 5 metres long and about a metre wide, I mean seriously what a giant waste of time. Just look at it people, sure its amazing but there's only a tiny pile of rubble left. Obviously the castle didn't protect the owner from the ravages of time, mu ahhahhahhaha. We also spent a while trying to find Rob Roy's cave, where he hid out from the pirates that were besieging the loch from all sides.

We never found the cave, just a bunch of holes in the ground that didn't appear to lead anywhere. We did find some fake squirrels suspended from the trees in what appears to be a recreation of a battle from starwars where the ewoks take on the stormtroopers. Why its in the middle of a national park in Scotland remains a mystery but I guess that's the magic of the heilans. After such thrills we took a quick look at Loch Katrine, which proved as stunning as the other 15 lochs we'd already seen that day. Then it bucketed down, so it was home and out for a celebratory fine italian dinner followed by some Caol Ila (thanks Jeremy). This is the smokiest whisky I've found yet, intensely strong smoky flavours with a light golden colour. This is definitely one for a cold Scottish evening!

Visitors from the colonies

The recent weekend saw a visit from some colonial Australians. Despite some difficulties understanding their accents it was good to catch up with Jeremy and Sarah again. First stop Wallace Monument and Stirling Bridge. After climbing the 250 odd steps to the top of the monument we had a nifty view of the area directly beneath the monument and the Ochils! Arrch, Ochils so close. They are coming to get us soon. We also got a good view of the local pubs in the area and planned out a route taking in some of the finest local drinking establishments.

This included cat-pub not to be confused with cat face who has a big cat face. He also floats around the town. Well after some beverages we went for some pubbish food and Jeremy tried his first haggis, which proved a reasonably large hit although he was disappointed that he couldn't have the bad boy burger.

The next day dawned at around 1am, well it feels like that at the moment up here, sun goes down around 11pm and it seems to be permanently light. Of course, that doesn't bode well for winter but at least we'll have whisky and haggis to keep us company. We headed back to Stirling castle for a 21 gun salute for the queen's birthday. Now the territorial army could only manage 18 shots because the gun jammed or something. They had two more guns still in perfect working order but called it off right then. Cheapskates.

Afterwards it was the Falkirk wheel, which is a giant ship moving thing that basically raises barges about 70 metres from one canal to another in only a few minutes. Sure, its an impressive engineering feat but really not that exciting as a tourist destination. Oh well, live and learn about the wonders of Scotland, the natural world appears far more interesting than recent engineering feats.

Castles and more castles

Stirling castle has been the scene of many a famous battle, jacobite revolution, musket battle and light sabre fight but why? Well the answer lies in its unique geographic position, nestled on a high hill on a river that traverses the country with solid ground and gentle hills all around. Basically its the only sensible place in historic kinds of times where you could get to northern Scotland. So there was a bridge here and due to some poor tactics on behalf of the English, a bunch of them were massacred by the Scots and William Wallace.

Meanwhile elsewhere in Scotland we took a tour to Balloch and Loch Lomond. Yeah its a large lake filled with fish, drunken scotsmen and boat tours. Still its worth a look and around the forest park nearby is another castle. This one is closed to the public but is actually pretty well preserved. The park was also filled with lots of people using portable bbqs, no, not as we know them but basically little steel grills filled with coals that you buy pre-made from the supermarket and fire up in the park. Meanwhile no one remembers that they might actually burn the grass, table, seat or whatever else they are sitting on. Pure genius I say.

I'm not entirely sure of what to make of this photo, its clearly a normal scottish street scene.
1. Because its raining
2. There's a learner driver in the distance, they are everywhere.
3. There's some local running because he's just made off with some stuff from the local 'offie'

Ah well, its amusing nonetheless.

Sunny Edinburgh

Hah, proved wrong at last Mr Negative Scotland weather. We've now had 6 days in a row of good weather including a trip to Edinburgh for some sightseeing and encounters with chip shop owners. First point of call was the gallery for the slightly disappointing Turner exhibition. I mean it was just a bunch of guys turning handles and had nothing to do with the famous painter at all. What a let down! Well actually it was all about Turner in italy, which was sort of interesting but not the most exciting of his works in my humble opinion.

Meanwhile outside, every person in Edinburgh was getting their yearly vitamin D intake by sitting in the park. Which we attempted to do after Mr Chip Shop lunch. Kathleen had rightly ordered a vegie burger which we were assured contained 'vegatables love'. Little to our knowledge it did not contain a bun or salad or anything else except a deep fried vegie patty and some soggy chips. 'What do you expect love, its just a chip shop' was the defence used by the large Scottish gentleman when queried about his 'burger'. Oh well next time we'll ensure the burger is more than just a pattie. The afternoon's entertainment involved bagpipes and a walk up to Arthur's seat. The bagpipes were being played on the royal mile (as usual) and the walk up to Arthur's seat provided spectacular views of the area directly beneath the hill and of the castle and main town. Kathleen's thongs probably weren't the greatest footwear for the occasion but once at the top it was so worth it. A few beers and dinner in the city followed to round of the best weekend of Scottish weather since 1243 when MacArrrrrgh defeated MacAayye at the battle of Loch Haggis.

The battle of Glencoe vs Fort William - part 3

The final day dawned bright and clear. Well not really, this is Scotland, so it dawned cold and rainy. First stop in the morning was Dunstaffnage Castle, home of the MacDougall clan and site of a castle since the early 13th century. Of course the castle had an abbey attached that had been ruined by the ravages of time and the Scottish weather. Still it was quite an impressive building and could easily have housed a collection of armed men for a period of weeks living off the local grass and the well.

There really is a lot of castles around, I don't think anyone is that surprised, but come on were the Scots always at war? Maybe, I dunno, I just work here.

Anyway, next stop was a stop at Oban for a tour of the whisky distillery. Well that was my plan anyway, but I was let down by a lack of booking. Can't I just show up and go on the damned tour, it appears not. So instead we wandered around searching for another distillery to ease our thirst. But this being Scotland the next place was at least 5 miles away so we were forced to stroll around in the sub-arctic temperatures and cold rain. Sure the town was scenic and maybe the sea fog was amusing but I think we'll be back to Oban for a more thorough viewing next time around.

The battle of Glencoe vs Fort William - part 2

The morning dawned cold and clear with snow topped Ben Nevis visible just out the window of the B&B. The perfect morning for a full Scottish breakfast. Sausages, bacon, eggs, black pudding, potato bread, mushrooms, tomato, whisky and a healthy dose of added salt for good measure. First stop on the morning's adventures was Neptune's stairs. Its 8 locks all in a row, and ships go up and down in all the time. Yay! What a magical adventure, meanwhile my ass was frozen because of the damned cold wind blowing off snowy Ben Nevis.

So where else to warm up but the local castle, which unfortunately had been sacked long ago by the romans or so it would appear. Castle #786268 was a slightly dour affair, mid-thirteenth century with 4 sturdy walls, a moat and some very advanced towers for such an early castle.

After the castle the real fun began with some hill walking. Being such novices we decided to leave Ben Nevis next time and head for the wonderful waterfall far beyond the depths of time. Well at good 45 minute walk over a rough ramshackle path filled with water, rocks and killer slugs. Man, this was some awesome hills, the path was filled with enough jagged rocks, crevices and streams to keep you on your toes while the waterfall at the end was great. The only problem was that there was a constant stream of people because the sun had briefly appeared in the morning so everyone had gone walking. The slug became my new best friend as he was so glisteny and bout 4 times the size of your standard slug. He was a trusty fellow and kept me happy while I trod the path down the hill back into the normal scottish weather.

The battle of Glencoe vs Fort William - part 1

So the weekend's adventure involved hiring a car, driving halfway across the country (about a 30 minute drive) and finding out what some real Scottish scenery looked like. First stop on the magical mystery tour was a collection of antiques. So really it was a bunch of old ladies stuff that was collected in a big shed and sold on the cheap to fund the production of more lace doilies. Pretty nifty, but not really my cup of tea, too Earl Grey for my preferences I prefer a more alcoholic tea with beer and haggis.

Then it was the next stop 5 minutes down the road, Loch Loch McLoch. Yes we really stopped at a number of lochs, but in reality they are just lakes with lots of crystal clear water and staggering mountain views. Sure, there was a pub lunch in between and a stop at some random Scottish garden where the locals gave us tea and cake and showed us their vegie patch. But then, enough was enough, we fired up the Vauxhall Corsa, and headed deep into the mountains, where trolls come from and the whole place looks like it should be in Lord of the Rings. . The long straight drive through the hills past some fine mountains down to Glencoe is just stunning. At one end if Rob Roys grave (kind of anyway) and at the other end is some place where lots of Scotsmen died because they like MacDonalds, or were named MacDonalds and didn't seem quick enough to pledge their allegiance to the new king of burgers, the whopper extreme, AKA Mary II and William II. At least that's my understanding of the history, other interpretations may vary.

You may notice that the Scottish weather was being particularly cooperative, and of course we decided in traditional Scottish fashion that the best thing to do was wander off into the hills without a map or compass to find a leprechaun. Well we didn't find our leprechaun, but we did get a little damp and see some more cool mountains. Soon our walk had exhausted us and we headed to Fort William for protection from the local liege lord. Turns out someone had sacked the fort quite a few hundred years ago and instead we had to head to the local Tandoori restaurant for some overpriced pappadams.