Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Planes with freaking lasers

Some people have been complaining that this blog has become too military centric. That all I'm interested in is the most ridiculous technology that can be produced for military purposes. That rather than finding cute little videos of baby elephants frolicking I instead talk about planes and guns and stuff. Well I have three responses to that:

1. A large proportion of technological innovation is driven by the defence forces, therefore a lot of cool new tools and gadgets are initially going to be developed for military use. This blog is somewhat about cool new stuff and is therefore inherently going to include some military items.
2. I'm trying to take over the world here and my feeble monkey army is failing miserably. Therefore they'll need the best possible armament and protection to have any chance in the upcoming war against the undead. Thus I must scour the internet for cool weapons and armour etc.
3. Purple monkey dishwasher.

So in the continuing vein of world domination I came upon this fine article about laser planes. Forget starwars, because these things aren't in space yet, but what they are doing is fitting large lasers to planes to provide the ultimate in selective destruction. I'm fitting 18 to one helicopter just to see how much damage I can do.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Rectum Rocket

Its a simple idea, you get a footlong piece of piping insert one end into the offending orifice and light the other end. Away you go with the rectum rocket which claims to be powered by a can of beans and 4 chillies. Nah, really they just got a rocket engine and strapped it to a bike, filled it up with roof tar so it would burn good and set it free. Now it roams the neighbourhood and is uncontrollable by anything but a small gorilla armed with a baseball bat.

Powered by beans! Each additional can of beans reduces the 0-100 time by 1 second

Car soccer

Playing a game of car soccer has always been a great idea. The guys from Top Gear (one of the funniest and most entertaining shows on TV) took some cars out for some Car soccer and the results are pretty damned funny. Of course they don't show the bits where the ball just disappears off the field because no one can control it but the video is still amusing. They also aren't that careful and crash into each other a few times, so in all in all I give this video 4 bananas.

Via the Presurfer

Stimpy you eeeeeiiidiot

Sorry about the break in transmission here people, but I got lost while searching for some loose change behind the couch. eventually after a torrid experience I was able to make my way back to the moon to find Ren and Stimpy waiting for me in all their glory. I remember many an hour spent in front of the zaniest most drunken posse since, well since forever. So get your money grabbing cards out and remember to order a few spare copies in case your dvd gets eaten by dvd rot.

Don't push the history eraser button!

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Flying car plans uncovered

I knew that eventually my secret flying car factory and research facility in Perth was going to be uncovered. I told the monkeys a million times that they should only take the car out at night. But noooooo, instead as is clearly shown they took my flying car for a spin in broad daylight. The whole production is now at risk and instead of having a secret uberweapon to use on my enemies I now have only some dodgy plans and a 1989 EB falcon with a small antigrav generator in the back.

Look at it, damn flying car

Straya Day!!

What Straya day (January 26) wouldn't be complete without some fine background info about Straya. (It is a powerpoint doc so you'll need powerpoint or the free viewer available from evil microsoft.) Now the history of Australia is basically a bunch of hobos got sent out here for stealing a loaf of bread from the King of England's table in the mid neolithic era. They then formed their own rock band and proceeded to introduce such gnarly concepts as boony, the 1.5 litre beer and the excellent idea of sitting outside in the sun when its 48 degrees C drinking beer and eating hot meat. They soon triumphed as the greatest country in the world but couldn't quite take over the world because their population was so drunk. So enjoy your Straya day people and if you are from another country just take the day off as a religious holiday.

I just had to put this picture of our beloved PM up.
John Howard, Man of the people

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Rocks for spying

I found this story quite amusing, I mean who uses a rock. Particularly a rock that doesn't even look like a rock and clearly has a gap for the secret camera and microphone to go into. Stupid lousy rock, didn't they know that the russians ate all their rocks during the glue famine of '53. Without glue the rocks were all ground up and used to feed starving KGB agents so placing a fake rock where there were no other rocks was always going to look suspicious. I always choose to hide my spy equipment in elephants. No one ever suspects the elephants.

Monday, January 23, 2006

The Simpsons Maker

Yes, the The Simpsomaker creates entirely new Simpsons characters with but a click of the mouse. Its kind of fun and looks exactly like the kind of tool that modern day simpsons creators have been crying out for. Gone are the many many days of faithfully drawing a new character by hand, instead you just pick your distinguishing features and you're away.

Look I made this little guy in about 10 seconds, I call him Gamblor and he has enslaved your mother.
Gamblor!

Friday, January 20, 2006

EMP Generators

EMPs are those things caused by nuclear weapons and EMP generators that can fry electrical equipment and destory kidney stones and all kinds of other useful things. They are quite useful as you can basically disable your opposition, friend or demonic cyborg army with a relatively small cheap device that you can truck around wherever you want. I always wanted to buy or make my own and now I can buy the plans (or a fully assembled one for lamewads) to build your own EMP cannon. You'd really think they'd include the instruction book but noooo its $10 extra for some crazy reason. Well anyway I'm gonna buy a few of these and then test them on the monkey's brains just to make sure there are no side effects. Coool eh?

Honda = Good and goldfish for some reason

Yeah yeah, I drive a honda but that doesn't stop this website and in particular the ad for the new civic just being plain awesome. So go to the honda uk site and click on the watch civic and then watch the damn ad. It seemed to take an awful long time for it to load because the website is being abused by every punk with a feeble connection so you might have to wait for a bit but it'll be worth it. The sounds for the ad were created completely by the choir.

If its taking too long and you've got a hankering for some video action here is some syncronised goldfish that are pretty amusing also.

Thanks internets and ingi!

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Ion Drive

Its the old story, you know. Man creates ion drive, sells ion drive to the government, gets drunk, demands ion drive back, builds better ion drive and then kills himself in a fit of rage over the 3rd law of robotics. Well thats how I read this article at least. Maybe the rest of you would have better success in interpreting exactly what this magical ion drive is meant to be all about. Basically new drive = more energy efficient = being able to go into space further = finally we'll have somewhere to rid ourselves of all those AOL cds. Man that was a lame joke, AOL cd jokes haven't been popular since 1998. I'm going back to my cave now to try and get some pictures of hot girls over my 2400 baud modem.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Fat kid eats himself to death

Hahahhahahah, I knew it would happen. Eventually all the fat people in the world are going to die due to poor nutrition. Didn't this kid watch Supersize Me or something. Instead he just kept eating chips and soon his liver started giving way. Then his blood refused to clot and after a minor operation he ate himself to death. Now don't complain to me that I'm being inhumane or downright cruel. This kid deserves everything he got and more, if you eat nothing but chips and the odd bit of baked beans for years you've gotta expect to die.

Cool Smoke Rings

I wish I could blow good smoke rings. Despite smoking 18 cubans a night for the last three years I've been unable to adequately make more than a few smoke rings. Well from now on I'll let technology do all the work for me. I'll ingest one of these Smoke Ring Machines and soon all be blowing the best possible rings out of both ends that you've ever seen. The smoke rings seem to captivate dogs if you click on the "In Action" section you'll soon be laughing along with the crazy puppy. What they don't tell you is that the puppy later died from lung cancer from inhaling too much smoke.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

New U.S. stealth fighter kicks Chuck Norris' Ass

Man the new F22-A Raptor is supposed to be one awesome fighter. That's why I'm buying a few at the low low price of around $160 Million. Surely these days any idiot can fly one of these suckers. You just jump in and start pushing the buttons until all your enemies are dead. The new plane can supposedly take on 5 or 6 F-15s at a time and still make you a baloney sandwich with extra fries for lunch. So beware Chuck Norris the F22-A Raptor will soon be along and all the round houses in the world won't save you.

Look at my monkey pilot go!

Monday, January 16, 2006

If World War II Was a RTS

Now this is some funny stuff. Sure its filled with L337 speak and you must be a H@x0r to get all the jokes but its one of the funniest things I've seen on the net for a while. If World War II Was a RTS details exactly how world war II was played out amongst the key gamers (I mean generals) of the time. See why Hitler lost he was a noob without any skills and got chumped. So get laughing stupid and read the damn thing already.

Thanks heaps Rants in your pants!

Pizza Guy Stories

Many a youth has spent many hours delivering pizzas to the local hoodlums. I in fact spent some 3 or 4 years amassing some 7 or 8,000 deliveries in the local area. These Pizza Delivery stories are sometimes interesting, sometimes lame, but I'd say generally true. Some of my favourite pizza driving memories include the enormous guy who'd always order at least 3 pizzas (all with extra cheese) and never threw the boxes out, so when he opened the door the place smelled of old pizza and you could see the giant pile of boxes. Some other fine memories include scantily clad women answering the door in nothing but a towel, an entire family that looked (and behaved) exactly like apes and then constant scammers who'd either try to rip you off for free pizza, cheap pizza or free cash. So enjoy reading about the sordid details of the pizza driver's life.

Chuck Norris Facts

I've been seeing these floating around on the net for a while, a collection of facts about Chuck Norris. Well rather than just providing a simple list this fine site randomises the facts and gets you to vote on what are the good ones. Chuck Norris even commented on some of the Chuck Norris Facts and was found to be angry with a desire to complete a roundhouse kick to anyone who came up with more facts. The site also has some Mr T and Vin Diesel facts but they don't seem quite as funny as the Chuck Norris ones.

Thanks Mike and the internets over the last few weeks!

Mmmm beer

I used to enter Worth 1000 comps every now and again, back in the day where I used to have plenty of free time and some skill at photochop and photography. But then the lure of other pastimes on the net took over and I became a feeble blogger with nothing better to do than post about freaks and strange military weapons. Well turns out that worth 1000 is still going strong (as expected) and has a fine competition where you can replace things with beer. The contest is already over but you can look and see some fine entries of beer related objects. Dammit, why didn't someone replace my desk at work with pure pure beer.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Tree Power

As usual I'm a little skeptical of alternative power sources. I mean solar and wind, as if that is ever going to work. Clearly we need to be burning some shite to get some power around here. Well what if that wasn't the case, and instead of sucking down a million bajillion barrels of oil per day we could simply plug all our devices into a friendly tree. The rumour is that pine trees are too soft to make good power and for some real action you need a decent gum tree. But if tree power is the way of the future then I am so planting a small forest on my balcony.

Death Ray

I can't think of a more blatant waste of lasers than trying to use them for weapons. I mean they are great for removing hair and for cooking up some toast in the morning but as weapons?!! Particularly not as weapons from space, this sounds like a hoax to me. I mean surely the death ray, oops I mean lasers, could only have good applications. Well according to this crazy story lasers may be used as weapons from space and could potentially shave your moustache from a distance of 14,000km so be prepared for some crazy light shows.

Muhahahha, green pigs for world domination!

Pigs have traditionally been a pale pinky colour, but that is all set to change with the invention and creation of green pigs! Not only are the pigs green but the also glow in the dark. You know what really gets me about this story is the fact that these aren't the first pigs to achieve this goal, many have been bred before but supposedly these ones are better. There insides are also green! This is just insanity, imagine the possibilities, soon all kinds of people will be saying they want green children and please let me have a green puppydog. Well damn you all, I'm turning myself into the hulk right now. It still doesn't answer the question of whether anyone is going to eat green bacon...

Green bacon, tasty

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Robot Uberlords

Each day the likelihood that robots will one day take over the world increases dramatically. I mean look at those robot cockroaches from yesterday, a sentinent being equipped with fully automated weapons systems and a resistance to nuclear attack. Well this little guide tells you everything you could possibly ever need to know to survive a robot uprising. The most important fact to remember is that all robots, especially those cute little fuzzy ones are going to be potentially dangerous. So don't take any syick from any robot, always carry a shotgun and a collection of small arms and remember (if futurama has taught us anything) that dressing up in a garbage can is a perfectly acceptable way to hide from robots.

Via The Presurfer

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Insectoids

The name insectoids has probably been trademarked somewhere but I don't care. Thats what I'm calling these fuzzy little cockroach robots that are trying to take over the world. My genetic super monkey program has suffered a number of setbacks over the last few weeks, with production delays, high overheads and the constant fear of genetically modified faeces being thrown around the lab. So I'm moving onto these cockroaches, I"ll just have to grow them until they are 80 feet high and then control them with my mind power alone. I'll be unstoppable.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Drunken Reality TV

Normally I hate reality TV. I can't stand the stupid crap that goes on in big brother, wife swap and all those other lame shows. This looks kind of interesting though. Basically they got a sensible middle aged woman to act like a binge drinking teenager for a few weeks. I guess its kind of in the vein of Supersize Me. I dunno how much they'll show in this drunken middleage rampage but I bet that they tone down all the sleazy behaviour that went on. So I might consider watching this, if there isn't something else exciting going on at that exact moment like the end of the world or something.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Slogan Generator

This has to be one of the more amusing random little things seen on the net for a while. You just type in a word and it comes up with a slogan for that word. The Slogan Generator came up with Go To Work On A Lasonovich. Which I certainly agree is an excellent slogan and could in fact become the new tag for this blog. So type in some random crap and see what kind of slogan can be generated for you or your homebrew scooter plane that you are working on.

More flying madness

I love crazy people, in fact I love them so much that there antics keep me amused for days on end. What I especially like is when people come up with a really bizarre idea and then try to sell it as a kit. Basically in this case you supply your own scooter and then chuck a whole bunch of crap on the back and you end up with a perfectly safe Flying Scooter. It can run, it can jump and it can fly short distances in light winds with only moderate risk to the pilot. Now remember the patent is pending, so get one now before the evil oil corporations shut this little money spinner down. I actually reckon the flying wouldn't be too bad and you don't need a pilots licence, so you could crash it into as many buildings as you want to.

Man, that thing looks so safe

E-Books can be used as grenades in times of need

As I struggle through yet another 14000 page book that details the complete history of the printing press I'm often left wondering wouldn't life be so much easier with an E-book. I mean the thing weighs very little and can do all kinds of funky stuff like display images and stuff. Upon reading that, my first thought was that people are guaranteed to start using these things for porn. In fact without porn I'd say these E-books are doomed to failure. They do claim to have removed the problems with normal portable screens, that after a while your eyes go haywire and you start seeing Gary Coleman in every image, so I guess thats a bonus. Still I suppose you could always peg it as someone and hope it exploded.

Thanks Ingi and the internets!

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Mmm Sausages

Hellloooo world. Well back to ye olde blog and what could be finer than a collection of the world's greatest sausages. I mean look at them, so big and juicy and filled with a variety of tasty fillings. Who wouldn't want one, in fact I'm going to go get one right now. Those kielbasa sausages look pretty damn tasty.