The battle of Glencoe vs Fort William - part 2

The morning dawned cold and clear with snow topped Ben Nevis visible just out the window of the B&B. The perfect morning for a full Scottish breakfast. Sausages, bacon, eggs, black pudding, potato bread, mushrooms, tomato, whisky and a healthy dose of added salt for good measure. First stop on the morning's adventures was Neptune's stairs. Its 8 locks all in a row, and ships go up and down in all the time. Yay! What a magical adventure, meanwhile my ass was frozen because of the damned cold wind blowing off snowy Ben Nevis.

So where else to warm up but the local castle, which unfortunately had been sacked long ago by the romans or so it would appear. Castle #786268 was a slightly dour affair, mid-thirteenth century with 4 sturdy walls, a moat and some very advanced towers for such an early castle.

After the castle the real fun began with some hill walking. Being such novices we decided to leave Ben Nevis next time and head for the wonderful waterfall far beyond the depths of time. Well at good 45 minute walk over a rough ramshackle path filled with water, rocks and killer slugs. Man, this was some awesome hills, the path was filled with enough jagged rocks, crevices and streams to keep you on your toes while the waterfall at the end was great. The only problem was that there was a constant stream of people because the sun had briefly appeared in the morning so everyone had gone walking. The slug became my new best friend as he was so glisteny and bout 4 times the size of your standard slug. He was a trusty fellow and kept me happy while I trod the path down the hill back into the normal scottish weather.

The battle of Glencoe vs Fort William - part 1

So the weekend's adventure involved hiring a car, driving halfway across the country (about a 30 minute drive) and finding out what some real Scottish scenery looked like. First stop on the magical mystery tour was a collection of antiques. So really it was a bunch of old ladies stuff that was collected in a big shed and sold on the cheap to fund the production of more lace doilies. Pretty nifty, but not really my cup of tea, too Earl Grey for my preferences I prefer a more alcoholic tea with beer and haggis.

Then it was the next stop 5 minutes down the road, Loch Loch McLoch. Yes we really stopped at a number of lochs, but in reality they are just lakes with lots of crystal clear water and staggering mountain views. Sure, there was a pub lunch in between and a stop at some random Scottish garden where the locals gave us tea and cake and showed us their vegie patch. But then, enough was enough, we fired up the Vauxhall Corsa, and headed deep into the mountains, where trolls come from and the whole place looks like it should be in Lord of the Rings. . The long straight drive through the hills past some fine mountains down to Glencoe is just stunning. At one end if Rob Roys grave (kind of anyway) and at the other end is some place where lots of Scotsmen died because they like MacDonalds, or were named MacDonalds and didn't seem quick enough to pledge their allegiance to the new king of burgers, the whopper extreme, AKA Mary II and William II. At least that's my understanding of the history, other interpretations may vary.

You may notice that the Scottish weather was being particularly cooperative, and of course we decided in traditional Scottish fashion that the best thing to do was wander off into the hills without a map or compass to find a leprechaun. Well we didn't find our leprechaun, but we did get a little damp and see some more cool mountains. Soon our walk had exhausted us and we headed to Fort William for protection from the local liege lord. Turns out someone had sacked the fort quite a few hundred years ago and instead we had to head to the local Tandoori restaurant for some overpriced pappadams.

Edinburgh, its not said how its spelt

So I've been to Edinburgh quite a few times over the last few weeks for sightseeing, work and a variety of other dastardly deeds. It intrigues me because its so old and cranky with a really strange design whereby all invaders are directed through narrow streets into the forefront of the castle so they can be shot with bows and arrows.

This of course caused me no problems as my germ warfare tactics avoided all the narrow alleys by being delivered by aeroplanes directly from the Belgian Congo (Mexico). So really what's it like, amazing geography, cool bars and a nifty history make Edinburgh a fun day. There is the new parliament house which was meant to cost 30 million but ended up costing 200 million odd pounds. So it was kind of impressive but a lot people don't like it because its too modern and doesn't fit in with the Scottish heritage of everything being a pub. Just nearby is holyrood house and there's a sense that everything is in walking distance from the centre of town.

The new town (only a couple of hundred years old) offers a welcome diversion from the old town (quite a few centuries old) and just nearby is the seaside at Leith, which from my understanding is mainly filled with warehouses, druggies and expensive restaurants. The old town has the castle and a selection of churches and whisky bars the likes of which you'll struggle to find anywhere else. The whisky experience tour was fun, but probably not quite worth the 11 quid entry fee although you do get a whisky shot and a glass to take away. So now that I know that its all there, I'll be back for more summer festivals, music and all kinds of crazy stuff that can only be had on the far side of the world. My invading army has been slowly spreading across the city and soon the whole place will be mine to run amock with down the royal mile while dancing a jig to the bagpipes in the centre of town. Currently bagpipes in full volume are banned in central Edinburgh because they were too loud and annoying. I'll soon be changing that!!!

Haggis McHaggis

Aaah Haggis, so far in Scotland I've been able to sample Haggis in three different varieties! They are haggis pizza, chicken stuffed with haggis and just plain old haggis. I have to say the texture of haggis is a little like cheap mince mixed up with finely ground oats. Still it actually tastes pretty good. Sort of like a salty mushy mince. Not too bad at all.

The haggis pizza was surprisingly tasty, liberally dusted with cheese and haggis it was pretty damned good. Of course it may have been the 18 beers that I'd already had.

The haggis on its own was served traditional style with neeps and taters (turnips and potatoes, both mashed) and a creamy sauce. All in all a satisfying meal especially when washed down with a local ale.

The chicken stuffed with haggis put the haggis to good use, taking the time to carefully wrap the haggis in the chicken to protect it from the cold weather. The whisky sauce wasn't too bad either.

Of course with all the haggis options around I'll have to continue sampling them to find the perfect haggis. Bon appetit!

Stirling, what a sterling place

Well, that was definitely the worst pun in the history of the universe. So, what about Stirling. First of all the old castle is perched on the hill above the old town which is filled with old cobblestone streets and pubs. The town itself is somewhere in the vicinity of 50,000 people. It depends on which of the tiny little villages nearby you include. Some of them are definitely attached and some are not. Glasgow is 30 mins away on the express train, but Edinburgh is closer to 50 mins, because of the lack of express trains!

Off to one side of the city is the wallace monument, which dominates the skyline from all directions. From there is a view of all the famous battles that took place all over the place. William Wallace, Robert the Bruce, the cold war, all took place right here in this wee sleepy village. There's lots of stuff around of historical significance, including cannons, bridges from the 1500s and a collection of jails, old houses and stuff to rival the rest of Europe. Plus as an added bonus, rent is a bit cheaper than Glasgow!

Scotland - home of the heilan coo

After weeks of searching, I found Scotland. Plus it was exactly where I'd left it, somewhere north of England and roughly in line with the Arctic circle, at least according to the weather. No, its a vicious lie. The weather was at least Scandinavian, not quite arctic. So where to, well first stop was Glasgow, which is filled with heroin addicts and glassings (at least according to 1970s history). Once again it wasn't true, I was only glassed twice in my first morning and it was more of a friendly welcome than anything else. Plus the heroin was nowhere near as obvious as people claimed. So what was memorable about Glasgow, well to begin with it was filled with some classic buildings, the university is amazing, the cathedral is gothic to the extreme and the children's playgrounds still contain potentially damaging equipment.

Adam and I began with a tour of the sights of central glasgow, which included a fine fish pie and a very reputable establishment and a warming local beer. We wandered around the glasgow green and basically walked around the east end of the city, trying to determine if there was anywhere exciting to live. What struck me first of all was how compact the place is. You can easily walk around most of the city, west end east end, all within about 40 minutes walk. A lot of the museums and cultural attractions are not too far away at all. The university, pictured above, is a masterpiece of unfinished architecture. The spire was never meant to be hollow, they ran out of cash half way through and soon came up with a new design to save cash.

Nearby is Ashton lane, where there are some hidden away little shops and bars that benefit from the local drunken uni student crowd. The beer selection is monumental and the prices are only slightly more than your local beer and bothy.

UK at last - London

London, its like a big theme park with lots of free rides, cool sights and strange guys. A few days in the British capital with some friends was going to be a fun time! After the usual rigmarole of customs, cavity searches and duty free boxes of cuban cigars it was time to head over to Clapham. A quiet evening in with Paul and Lisa watching the champions league (4-4 my ass Chelsea and Liverpool) was the perfect start to a few days.

The next day involved the hassle of setting up a UK bank account and determining how many cornish pasty's to eat from the shops. Plus I had to find some chavs and determine why Chicken Tikka was actually England's national dish. The answer to that is that supposedly it was invented in the UK by a chef who was meant to be making curry but didn't have all the right ingredients so added some tomato and a few other things and bam, Chicken Tikka was born. Now sold approximately every 5 metres on the streets of the UK. After that it was time for some sight seeing, now for a change of pace I headed to the Churchill Museum and War Rooms.
Now see here, that's a real enigma machine, so don't worry we've got the code cracked and can determine where the next U-Boat attack is coming from. The war rooms have been largely untouched since the end of the war and are in ship shape condition for determining which convoy is the next to be sunk.

The Churchill museum which is attached to the war rooms is a look at one of the most loved (and hated) modern leaders. Its one of the most technologically advanced museums I've seen. This huge table is a history of Churchill's whole life and you can go around and select individual days to determine what he was up to. No, not what he had for dinner, but what monumental events he was involved in at that point. Anyway, I thought it was nifty and if you don't like it you can go to hell.

The evening was spent in a drunken state with Paul who ventured out with me on a pub-crawl of clapham. Now, this was an onerous undertaking helped by the a few fine single malts, the worst kebab in the history of the universe, a fine cuban cigar and a very late night. Suffice to say that the next day was spent largely sleeping and then catching up with some high quality wii gaming. BTW, the control system for PES2009 kicks ass. You can drag players around the field with the wii mote while moving another player, while scoring a bullshit bicycle goal. Classy.

Unfortunately my time in London was over all too soon, and it was off to Glasgow for the first part of my scottish adventure, aye.

Beijing - Part 2

The forbidden palace was next on my list of must see in Beijing and it didn't let me down. It was forbidden to enter, closed due to an extensive Chinese fireworks display that went all wrong when Mr Choi threw his cuban in the rubbish. Seriously though, this place has been burnt down about 15 times and then rebuilt all over again. What blew me away was the scale of the place, I mean it really is a city. I spent the first hour wandering around with a map, which was actually pretty good because I got away from the main tourist trails and found some cool little palaces and things that most guided tours never see. There are also a bunch of museums with all kinds of artefacts, jewellery, pots, and stuff from the last 4000 years on display. The gardens are also cool and when I eventually bothered getting a map I realised just how huge this thing is. You could easily spend days figuring our everything in the whole city. There are certain places where you have to fight the tourists to see anything and other places where its so empty you feel like you could be the emperor.

But, time waits for no man so I was off to the temple of heaven. Now this is supposedly where the emperor went to pray before the important harvest ceremonies and so forth. Then at the temple, they complete the ceremony, sacrificed the goat and all got smashed. One of the more interesting parts of the complex is this part where groups of people gather and perform a variety of local Chinese cultural things. There were people dancing, singing (very well) old chinese songs, and participating in a wide variety of other wholesome activities. Plus they also hassled tourists to buy stuff, but that's only to be expected.

So what could possibly top a fireworks explosion at the imperial palace, well not much actually. My last day in china was spent at the summer palace, used as a resting place on those hot summer days when the forbidden city was too rat filled to be fun. Largely destroyed at least 15 times, and most significantly during the opium wars, the summer palace is where emperors and empresses went to let their hair down. The complex includes a theatre with three different stages on top of each other where three different plays would run at once. That way the emperor wouldn't get bored and could pick and choose what to watch at any given moment. Part of my final day was the opportunity to blow a few hundred yaun on some exciting food. This fine dish showed a remarkable amount of restraint by containing 50% chilli, 30% garlic, 15% peppercorns and 5% chicken and assorted vegetables. It was quite tasty, but I think my mouth had gone numb after the first mouthful. Washing the chilli down with a walk around the lake, I soon stumbled upon a marble boat, that appears to float, but obviously doesn't and the longest painted corridor in the world. Yes, its long and its painted.

The end of my brief tour was a quick stop at the chilli farm for some more chillies. No, not really it was to the top of the summer palace for a view back across the lake towards Beijing. You may have gathered that I was more positive about Beijing than Shanghai. I dunno whether it was just the olympics or what but I definitely preferred the vibe of Beijing. The monuments are a bit more impressive and overall it just felt like my kinda town.

So that was it for my whistlestop tour of mainland China. All I had left was my dignity, a fake watch, some cheap ties and a sense that all was not necessarily well in the world. But that might've just been the chilli.

Beijing - Part 1

Aah, Beijing. After Shanghai it felt like a small country town. Going to the wrong airport in Shanghai didn't help the situation either! Beijing, 15 million chinese and a bucket load of pollution. So where to begin, a trip to the local street markets for some high quality delicacies that's where. Actually these markets are right in the centre of town and are basically put there for tourists, still its interesting enough to wander around and look at the fried silkworms for sale. My first impressions of Beijing were that it was cleaner and much more organised than Shanghai, I think it was the Olympics last year that basically meant the whole city got its act into gear. I especially liked one Chinese ladies jeans which were inscribed across the back with the phrase "Working for a better Chinese Olympics". That seemed to be the motto of the place, even though the olympics are long gone and they are selling the apartments off.

The evening involved a trip to the most famous Peking (Beijing) duck restaurant in town. Now I was suffering from a cold but I was still able to chow down on half a duck with pancakes and dipping sauce. A real speciality and damned tasty, plus the restaurant that it is in is just bizarre. Everything is red and gold and it feels like a huge hall.
On the floor below was a selection of high quality jade merchandise to keep the most ardent jade fans happy. In fact it was such a ridiculous collection that it boggles the mind.

Day 2 in Beijing was a tour, now I'm not a big fan of organised tours, but they are the easiest and cheapest way to get to the wall. Well, the wall via the jade shop that the your guide's cousin runs. We did get to see how they carve jade, yes it is just stone and they carve it up using machines. Wow, what a revelation. Well anyway, after that detour it was off to the Badaling section of the wall. There are 5 sections of the wall that are open near Beijing and Badaling is the most popular. With some obvious reasons, stretching out for ages in all directions the scenery is just stunning. Well it would be if it wasn't all covered in pollution. I especially liked the fact that there are about 300,000 tourists a day to the great wall around Beijing, but only about 10 of them could be stuffed actually walking to the end. It was just ridiculous, 100,000 people and most of them didn't walk more than the first 300 metres. Yes, its steep, but goddam it, get off your lazy ass people and make it to the end! Well, not really the end, but after a while the wall hasn't been repaired and you can progress no further. After that it was off for a large lunch and probably the funniest moment of the chinese tour. We were sitting down to our traditional Beijing banquet with 8000 dishes and the guide comes up and goes "Are you happy? You must eat a lot to fill your large capitalist stomachs". Pure gold, I still can't quite believe that she said it. The lunch did come with free chinese rice spirit, which was about 65% alcohol and tasted like nail polish remover.

The afternoon was a trip to the Ming tombs, where one of the Ming emperors is buried. Seriously though, its a little disappointing. Sure its old, but there isn't really anything to see in the tomb, and for one of the highlights of Beijing I don't rate it at all. Its just basically a big hole in the ground, yes its interesting how they found it when the location of the tombs was secret and they dug a number of holes before finding anything interest. Anyway, if you want tombs, head to the pyramids or elsewhere because Ming doesn't quite cut it for me. After such a long day what better way to relax than a foot massage with Chinese medicine diagnosis thrown in for free. I passed on the diagnosis as I already know I'm dying from chronic eczema but Ingrid gave it a shot and found out that she was healthy and should spend $140/month on some pills to keep herself that way.